The College Theological Society

This is the longest running active society in college, dating back as far as 1830. Other college societies, notably the Philosophical Society and the Historical Society claim to be older, but they're lying. Besides, they are both in severe financial difficulty at the moment, so you don't want to give them your money.

A far better idea is to join the Theo, or the Mathematical Society, as these are the best places to go for that free coffee and pleasant conversation atmosphere.

Once upon a time it was rumoured that the Theo was founded by a lone French monk fleeing the destruction of his order and guarding some great secret. This has thankfully been put to rest, as we never even heard of that Weisshaupt fellow, and even if we had, that damn cherry tree was rotten anyway. Go talk to the Bram Stoker Society, they're just dying to get quoted in some silly conspiracy theory. Everyone knows that we have never had a hand in the running of this college, or in the interference with the normal course of democracy in this or any other country. The fact that at one time there was a significant correlation between the membership of the electoral commission and that of the Theo was a well orchestrated diversion on the part of the Board Gamers, who were in all likelihood dupes of the xtian conspiracy. We do not want to have to issue releases such as the following from some other innocents who were also mercilessly hounded by the Workers Solidarity Movement into claiming innocence, thereby placing confusion and suspicion in the minds of those who would otherwise have let things pass as they were. Just to clear things up...

I'm afraid there have been some rumours floating around that the Ancient Illumi- nated Seers of Bavaria have had a hand in

We here at the Jim Jones Cabal would like to get a few things straight right now. We HAVE NEVER been a part of the JFK assasination, except for hiring the killers, co-ercing the CIA and the Dallas Police into 'turning the other way' for us, getting Lee Harvey Oswald to play the part of Dupe and take the fall for the whole thing, securing the weapons and ammo., getting the killers into position, hypnotising all of the members of the Warren Commision, blackmailing Oliver Stone into putting out "JFK" to further cloud the issue, and coming up with alt.conspiracy so that our little mis-information games could continue.

We at the A.I.S.B. however are entirely responsible for the LHO shooting though. After all, he was the Head Honcho for the Chaos branch of the A.I.S.B. and we couldn't allow him to remain alive.

We hope you understand.

As for George Bush's Public Vomiting, except for one of our Secret Service contacts slipping a canister full of synthetic Stomach Flu virus into the Presidential Suite two nights before, we did nothing. The Flu was synthesized at the POEE's SphincterZone Labs in Umbrage, Vermintown, Atalantis (which is, BTW, the official name of Atlantis, which is the commonly used name). We have had the labs check the Prime Minister of Japan Brother Oliver Stone is hard at work on this one as well.

The Church of the SubGenius, though, is another bowl of tumours entirely. The Church has been completely infiltrated by the A.I.S.B. and is being finely tuned to bring the majority of those identifying themselves as "the SubGenii", mostly college aged males, into line with official A.I.S.B. and POEE mindset. Thus, as has been hypothesized before, the Church of the SubGenius and all of its publications, trademarks, and upper ecshelon are all Illuminatus puppets. "Bob" himself, who was, according to Jim Jones files, born in Gary, Indiana in 1403 and 1924, and was killed officially, only once, on May 23, 1985 (5/23/85 for all you numerology buffs), was first conceived, in vitrio, in the same SphincterZone Labs. The date for X-day; July 5, 1998; has been set, because that is the day when the Eschaton will be immenantized. On this day, the Illuminati will return to South America, and the Cracking of the Great Pyramid will occur, taking all of the Illuminati to the safe havens under the ground. This is where all of the SubGenius fantasies of the X-ists came from. Unfortunately, we have already chosen the desirables from the UnFit, so becoming a card-carrying member is pretty pointless. This doesn't mean, however, that you should stop sending money; it goes to pay for our doughnuts.


Novus Ordo Seclorum --><--