"Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous?" "Give the wookie what he wants." Han Solo, "Star Wars" I'm not being a couch potato; I'm busy fighting entropy. "If your annual income today is $50,000, you have the same buying power as the average coal miner did in 1949, adjusted for taxes and inflation," John Sestina, nationally recognized Certified Financial Planner; quoted in 1987. "Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden Ross Perot may indeed turn this country around. However, his next act will probably be to bend it over. Avoid eye contact. In case of contact, flush mind for 15 minutes. See a psychiatrist if irritation persists. Not to be taken seriously. Keep out of sight of children. Bugger off and come back when you've got a reasonable clue. "Solutions are not the answer." -- Richard Nixon "It might be in the basement, I'll go up stairs and check..." -- M.C. Escher -- Korman's Conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come you way again. Aren't you going to miss all this fun stuff when you retire, Rog? -- Martin Riggs, "Lethal Weapon 3" Women suck! Except when you want them to!! What's the difference between Dallas cops and L.A. cops? Dallas cops go out bar hoppin' L.A. cops go out night clubbin'. "I'd give my right arm to be ambitexterous." The definitive book on wine hangovers is called "The Wrath of Grapes." Dan Quayle recently discovered that Roe vs Wade are not alternative methods for crossing the Potomic. A honeymoon should be like a table... Four bare legs and no drawers. Your reality is a figment of my imagination. "Try a banana in your shoe: then you'll *know* what a day is." Robin Williams. What is best in life? To Crush My Enemies. To See Them Driven Before Me. And To Hear The Lamentation of Their Women! -Conan the Barbarian But some of my best friends are kikes and porch monkeys! "Luck is when preperation meets opportunity" -- N. Peart You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've really got something. "Only fools are positive." - Moe Howard A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Measuring intelligence by examination is like measuring digestion by turd length.... "C'mon. Light this candle." - Chuck Yeager It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -- Mark Twain Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. - Catch-22_ "It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract." - Alan Shepherd The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." -Fred Allen December 21: A grim-faced U.S. Surgeon General announces that "tofu" turns out to be Japanese for "whale snot." Doo wah diddy-diddy dum diddy doo... Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. Put this in your mouth and repeat after me. Wallamalloo, wallamalloo, wallamalloo. --Australian Proverb When God created women, he may have overestimated his abilities! When a man leaves a woman, it's "abandonment". When a woman leaves a man, it's "codependency". Go figure. "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not an engineer!" - Dr. McCoy "Women, you can't live with 'em and sheep can't cook." "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devils' own herd." -- Edmund Blackadder II What can you say about a society that believes God is dead and Elvis is Alive? 'I don't have time for an algorithm, I've gotta get this goddamn code written!' Disclaimer: It's just my Tourette's Syndrome acting up again. "That boy's about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice." (Foghorn Leghorn) "That boy couldn't hit an elephant in the ass with a snow shovel." "If it's not baroque, don't fix it." - Beauty and The Beast "If everything seems to be going fine then you obviously have no idea what the hell is going on." "I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius -- and I keep them in a jar under my bed" "My girlfriend can't make my apple pie, but she sure makes my banana cream." - Soupy Sales "My uranium Pu-36 Space Modulator. It's...GONE!" Oh, come on, Fraser. Isn't it enough that I do it to your mind? - Dr. Lilith Sternen Crane That boy is slower than molasses running uphill in the winter time. I suppose you think you're hot shit on a silver platter, when in reality you are only cold crap on a paper plate. After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 You! What PLANET is this! -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. -- Mark Twain M. D. to patient: First the good news--you're going to have a disease named after you. "A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." "Who told you I was paranoid?! It was THEM, wasn't it?!" "Imagination is more important than knowledge." A. Einstein "Liberace was a great piano player, but he sucked on the organ." Given any particular problem, the number of incorrect solutions is infinitely larger than the number of correct solutions; thus the probability of arriving at a correct solution is zero. My opinions are based upon Reason and Logic, and are therefore not connected in any way to my employer. "I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS." Confucious say: Man who stand on toilet is one high on pot. Confucious say: He who fart in church sit in own pew. "There's a Fine Line Between Fishing and just Standing on the Shore like an Idiot..." --Stephen Wright They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown... [attr. to Carl Sagan] Have you ever noticed that up close, the human navel looks just like a cat's asshole? If you are a pro-lifer, then adopt an interracial mongoloid -- -- OR SHUT THE FUCK UP! He's so narrow minded his scratch pads are only and inch wide. -from Tom Clancey _Red_Storm_Rising_ How come Mr. Mobius never seems to see more than one side to any question? Pardon me Madam, you obviously have me confused with someone who gives a shit. That boy has a mind like a steel sieve. - Foghorn Leghorn Marriage: It's not a word, it's a sentence. Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" Hey Man, I'm drinking wine, eating cheese and catching some rays. Oddball From Kelly's Heros They can have their drug-free workplace when they pry the needle from my cold, dead fingers. The first myth of management is that it exists. "He couldn't pull a greased stick out of a dead dog's arse." Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. " When will I learn? The answer to my problems isn't at the bottom of a bottle -- it's on TV!" - Homer Simpson "I'm too sexy for your chainsaw" Kodachrome, gives us those nice bright colours, Gives the greens of summers, Makes you think all the worlds a sunny day. - Paul Simon A stitch in time would have confused Enstien. "Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it." See the happy moron, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God!, Perhaps I am! Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. "My parents went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud" "If you add a teaspoon of wine to a barrel of sewage, you get sewage. If you add a teaspoon of sewage to a barrel of wine, you get sewage. This, my son, is entropy." The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. - Immanuel Kant A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want. William Binger "I fart in your general direction." - from Monty Python's SEARCH FOR THE HOLY GRAIL Fundamental Mistakes in the design of the World's User Interface: # 3217 "Elevators don't have CANCEL buttons" |The meaning of the complement form of a switch | |can be determined by complementing the meaning | |of the switch. | | --Ada Reference Manual | To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. Veni Vidi Visa (I came, I saw, I did a little shopping) I snatch kisses. (and vice versa) The city, 1:00am. People in their rooms, asleep, lonely, depressed. One of them gets the urge to pet a small, furry animal. That's where I come in. My name's Friday. I carry a badger. I t'ought I taw a putty tat. I DID, I DID see a putty tat!! I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. --- Abraham Lincoln "We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever" -- Carl Sagan "Peter...PETER!! I can see your house from here!" -- Jesus Christ, from the cross "It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole." - Laurie Anderson "In this industry, we announce a product, then we show it, we sell it, we deliver it, try to support it, then we try to make it work." -- Open_Systems_Today Living on Earth is expensive, but it includes a free trip round the sun. "Work is the curse of the drinking class" W. C. Feilds THE PLAN IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN. AND THEN CAME THE ASSUMPTIONS, AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM. AND THE PLAN WAS COMPLETELY WITHOUT SUBSTANCE. AND THE DARKNESS WAS UPONTHE FACE OF THE WORKERS. AND THEY SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING: "IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT, AND IT STINKETH." AND THE WORKERSWENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS, AND SAYETH: "IT IS A PAIL OF DUNG, AND NONE CANABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF." AND THE SUPERVISORS WENT UNTO THEIR MANAGERS, AND SAYETH UNTO THEM: "IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT, AND IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE CAN ABIDE IT." AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THE DIRECTORS AND SAYETH: "IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER, AND NONE CAN ABIDE ITS STRENGTH." AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING ONE TO ANOTHER, "IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH, AND IS VERY STRONG." AND THE DIRECTORS WENT UNTO THE VICE PRESIDENTS, AND SAYETH TO THEM, "IT PROMOTES GROWTH, AND IS VERY POWERFUL." AND THE VICE PRESIDENTSWENT UNTO THE PRESIDENT, AND SAYETH UNTO HIM, "THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE THE GROWTH AND EFFICIENCY OF THIS COMPANY, AND CERTAIN AREAS IN PARTICULAR." AND THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN, AND SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD. AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY. AND THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS. $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000--by which time it will be worth nothing. -- Lazarus Long "Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important." Eugene McCarthy ------------------------------------------- | | cow ------->| big fucking gloppeta gloppeta machine | ----> Big Macs | | ------------------------------------------- "I have a simple philosophy; Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches." Alice Longworth Roosevelt "Hell, if you understand everything I said, you'd be me!" -Miles Davis Didn't Thomas Jefferson say that the country ought to be rebooted every twenty years or so? Thought for the day --- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result. Bones heal - Chicks dig scars - Pain is temporary - Glory is forever "Ho! Haha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!" -- Robin Hood Daffy There are a lot of lies floating around...and half of them are true. (Winston Churchill) There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. (Charles Anthony Richard Hoare) There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. If money can't buy love, why do all my dates start at the cash machine? "It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." -- Televangelist Pat Robertson, speaking at the Republican convention, on the proposed equal-rights amendment: "I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God" - George Herbert Walker Bush, Feb 1989 That is why I have failed where others have suceeded" -Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station? Roger B. Dannenberg "It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." -- A US Government report investigating possible bad words in "Louie Louie" Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought. Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages. If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me. "People who are incapable of making decisions are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits." I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong into a truckload of Harpsichords. ``There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly'' "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." "You got it kid -- the large print giveth and the small print taketh away." Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb. "Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die." "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. "If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails." Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. -- Mark Twain "Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning." "To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final analysis escapes me." - Pat Paulsen "I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country of being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am." - Pat Paulsen "Why don't men have breasts? Because if we did, we'd stay at home all day to play with them!" - George Carlin Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen. Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts. "to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus. If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence. (Will Cuppy) If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. (Anonymous) It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. (Lazurus Long) It's easier to stay out than to get out. (Mark Twain) It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff. You're not half the man your mother was. Always feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're going to feel all day. A bachelor is a a man who never makes the same mistake once. The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think. Girls who think they'll hate themselves in the morning should sleep until noon. "You can't help that. We're all mad here."-The cheshire cat, Alice in WL If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. "Dr. Pavlov's distinguished career came to an abrupt end one day when the doorbell rang and the dog ate the Avon lady." -- Dave Cochran Bullwinkle: "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a Rabbit out of my hat!" Rocky: "Again!? But that trick never works!" What if there was no such thing as a hypothetical question?