0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Shows Classified Shows Needed ---------------- ------------ Episode 101: Steve & Marcie move in 220 Episode 102: Thinnergy 318 Episode 103: Al & Peg's 16th Anniversary 410 Episode 104: Al kills the Rhoades' dog 411 Episode 105: Al & Steve buy a Mustang 502 Episode 106: Whose Room is it Anyway 509 Episode 107: Al loses his Cherry 603 Episode 108: Peg gets a job 703 Episode 109: Steve and Marcie babysit Bud and Kelly 708 Episode 110: Steve plays poker with Al 712 Episode 111: Al meets his boss 716 Episode 112: Marcie dreams of Al Episode 113: Johnny B. Goode's closes Episode 201: Buck can do it Episode 202: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 1 Episode 203: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 2 Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million Episode 205: Crime Light / No Phone Episode 206: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 1 Episode 207: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 2 Episode 208: Kelly gets license Episode 209: The Bundy's go bowling Episode 210: Steve's beard Episode 211: Kelly goes to get a tattoo Episode 212: Art student stays over Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas Episode 214: Al & Steve collect baseball cards Episode 215: A mouse is loose Episode 216: Buck gets a credit card Episode 218: A night in the shoe store Episode 219: Marcie wrecks Steve's Mercedes Episode 221: Al hides money from Peg Episode 222: Peg's family comes to visit Episode 301: Camping Trip Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis Episode 304: Kelly becomes a cheerleader Episode 305: Al builds a bathroom Episode 306: Peg's bra is discontinued Episode 307: Steve's going bald Episode 308: Al's barber dies Episode 309: Madame Olga Episode 310: I'll See You in Court Episode 311: The Bundy's get an inheritance Episode 312: Career Day at school Episode 313: Kelly joins tap club / Al loses socks Episode 314: Peg sells cosmetics Episode 315: The Harder They Fall Episode 316: The House that Peg Lost Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1 Episode 319: The Bundy's get a Computer Episode 320: Shoe lights Episode 321: The Bundy's go to the beach Episode 322: A Peeping-Tom is loose Episode 401: Labor Day barbecue Episode 402: Peg vs Jim Jupiter Episode 403: Al & Steve take neighborhood boys camping Episode 404: Al goes to the Dentist Episode 405: Peg thinks Al is cheating Episode 406: Fair Exchange Episode 407: Peg buys Tubro Episode 408: Dr. Shoe Episode 409: Al gets a new car Episode 412: It's a Bundyful Life, Pt 1 Episode 413: It's a Bundyful Life, Pt 2 Episode 414: Gutter Cat's video Episode 415: Al sells Peg's hair Episode 416: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 1 Episode 417: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 2 Episode 418: Polk High Homecoming Episode 419: Weather Bunny Episode 420: Al tries to break alleys' record Episode 421: Peg gets high school diploma Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie Episode 423: The Bundy's have a yard sale Episode 501: Al's dreams Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance Episode 504: Softball game Episode 505: Peg goes dancing Episode 506: The Bundy Bounce Episode 507: Married With Aliens Episode 508: Al plants a garden Episode 510: Kelly moves out Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money Episode 512: Marcy marries Jefferson Episode 513: Cheese Cake Episode 514: Kelly dates a 41 year old city official Episode 515: A man's castle Episode 516: Al vs old High School Rival Episode 517: Weenie Tots Episode 518: Al tires to remember a song Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1 Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2 Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya gonna do? Episode 521.5 (?): Top of the Heap Pilot Episode 522: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt1 Episode 523: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt2 Episode 524: Buck the Stud Dog Episode 601: Marcie and Peg are pregnant Episode 602: Al & Jefferson are running away Episode 604: Kelly is a pool shark Episode 605: Anti-Baby meeting Episode 606: Buck won't eat Episode 607: Al gets glasses Episode 608: God's shoes Episode 609: Kelly's TV show, Pt 1 Episode 610: Kelly's TV show, Pt 2 Episode 611: Al dream of becoming a private eye Episode 612: Shoe Groupie Episode 613: Al makes a will Episode 614: Ethical Dilemma Episode 615: Zeus Shoes Episode 616: Bud turns 18 Episode 617: The Egg and I Episode 618: Madame Zelda Episode 619: Anthrax visits the Bundy's Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench Episode 621: Bud dates the teacher Episode 622: Kelly works at TV Land Episode 623: Al works at a gas station Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1 Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2 Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3 Episode 701: The Bundy's get a new kid Episode 702: Kelly says NO Episode 704: Al becomes a bartender Episode 705: Peg wants sex Episode 706: Bud forms a fraternity ( Alpha Gonna Get 'Em ) Episode 707: Al leads a tax revolt Episode 709: Old Aid Episode 710: Al buys a cemetery plot Episode 711: The Old College Try Episode 713: Bud sleeps with cousin's fiance Episode 714: Al's vacation Episode 715: Kelly buys a Harley Episode 717: Bud goes on a dating game Episode 718: Mutiny on the Bundy Episode 719: The Old Games Episode 720: Al gets sued by a burglar Episode 721: Kelly's Birthday Episode 722: Al's bad in bed Episode 723: Al retires Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen Episode 725: Cousin Jimmy on war path Episode 726: Indecent Proposal Quotes ------ Unclassified ------------ Girl: " Its food, Bundy. You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt. " Al: " You go tell your daddy that you have the mailman's eyes!" Al: " Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?" Peg: " If a maniac would come in and shoot me down, Al wouldn't even notice it." Al: " I would notice!" Peg: " Quitting school is a big step. I mean, that's where we get our pens and pencils!" Peg: " I cannot steal from my children...they lock their rooms." Kelly: " Mom, you don't mind when I'm playing with Bud, do you?" Peg: " No, that's why we had'em." Marcy: " Al, do you know the difference between Steve's mother and a bowling ball?" Al: " No, what?" Marcy: " A bowling ball has no beard." Peg: " Oh, Al. You're gonna study real hard and take the test for a garbage man?" Bud: " Yeah, dad! You're gonna pass this time!" Peg: " Wow! We're gonna get rich!" Bud: " Are you absolutely sure you're my father?" Al: " You think, I didn't run for an immediate bloodtest?" Peg: " But they are nice people" Al: " If they were nice, they would be dead and I could go to the basketball game." Peg: " Is that a burger, I smell in your breath?" Al: " No, that's our wedding-cake. That was the last time, I ate!" Al: " We are Americans. We have the right to use the best toilet- system in the world." Al: "Why would I care what you're wearing? I'm only watching the clock." Al: " Listen, this is not about sex, is it? Because I don't know anything about it." Kelly: " I know. Mom told me." Peg: " Did you miss me?" Al: " With every bullet so far!" Peg: " Maybe you need a bigger gun!" Peg: " Al, we're talking about sex. So leave it to those who do it!" Peg: " You can't leave during a family crisis." Al: " This is no family. This is a lab experiment." Peg: "We both know, your sister is not a slut. She's only popular!" Al: " That's no lady. That's my wife!" Episode 101: Steve & Marcie move in ----------------------------------- Al: " Anything else I can do for you?" Peg: " You could shave your back." Al: " The hair's there for a reason. It keeps you off of me at night." Al: " Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death." Al: " Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself." Peg: " We've been married 15 years." Marcie: " What's your secret?" Peg: " Be considerate and not point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out his nose and ears." Al: " Yea, and nowadays, it's harder to figure out where the chest ends and the stomach begins." Peg: " If they enjoy eating at home, they'll never take you anywhere." Marcie: " Why don't you just tell him?" Peg: " They never learn, but if you do some damage to internal organs, you've got it made." Al: " It's like when they < women > ask you what you're thinking and you want to tell them 'If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking.'" Marcie: " Mom's coming over for a visit." Steve: " So she can bury me like she did her three husbands." Marcie: " Are you suggesting that their suicides had something to do with mother?" Episode 102: Thinnergy --------------------- Al: " We're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut." Marcie: " What if I told you I had an answer to all your problems?" Peg: " I tried that...It's just not the same." Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the girl on TV, I'd still ignore you." Episode 103: Al & Peg's 16th Anniversary ---------------------------------------- Peg: " 10's tin. 15's crystal. I wonder what the next one is." Al: " Brimstone." Peg: " What is it that dad has always wanted?" Bud: " That blonde down the street." Peg: " Did he tell you that?" Bud: " Not exactly, I noticed the way he bites his fist when he drives past her house." Al: " An anniversary is the day that you should show her how you feel about her the rest of the year but you don't 'cos you're a man." Guy: " That's beautiful." Al: " To know me is to love me." Chef: " Would you like to be a chef?" Bud: " No, I rather be a man." Marcie: " We got you one of our favorite books." Al: " 'My Wife, My Partner, My Life'...My God!!!!" Episode 104: Al kills the Rhoades' dog -------------------------------------- Marcie: " Someone's been in my bedroom. I feel helpless." Al: " We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom." Al: " Why are you meeting at my house?" Guy: " Our wives don't want you in our houses." Marcie: " We know he's < the dog > loud and the whole neighborhood hates him, but he's a good protector." Bud: " Hey, they say the same about dad." Marcie: " Forget the money, I want something else from you." Al: " You're too late, Peg's already got them." Episode 105: Al & Steve buy a Mustang ------------------------------------- Marcie: " Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?" Steve: " Well, I was a man before I met you." Al: " He was honey. To you believe it?" Marcie: " Why do guys like cars?" Peg: " Well, it's in their blood. They hear the engine and they think it's their engine. They see the sleek and smooth lines and they think they're sleek and smooth and then they grab that stick shift." Al: " Steve, you know you're not my kind of guy and I don't wanna hang around with you, but you do know cars." Marcie: " I never knew I had so much hate for an inanimate object." Peg: " You mean Al?" Peg: " I've known Al for a long time and when he's not talking, he's not thinking." Episode 106: Whose Room is it Anyway ------------------------------------ Marcie: " We've been nut picking and got a bag. Do you have a nut cracker?" Al: " You're looking at her ." Marcie: " We don't know what to do with all that money." Al: " Have a couple of kids. They suck it up like a hoover... That's a vacuum, Peg, in case you want something else to do with your afternoons." Steve: " We need you to sign a variance so we can build that close to the property line." Peg: " Oh, we're friends. Aren't we, Al?" Al: " Who, you and me? No." Al: " Women always get their way. Remember when they would watch the kids while you went out. What happened, Steve? I'll tell you what happened. Someone told women that they should enjoy sex, too. Now that they enjoy it, it's only work for us... Do you know who's to blame?" Steve: " The French?" Episode 107: Al loses his Cherry -------------------------------- Peg: " You're not leaving here without eating a healthy breakfast." Kelly: " I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine." Peg: " What do you and your friends do at the mall?" Kelly: " Nothing." Bud: " Sometimes they go to the shoe store, look in the window and make fun of dad." Kelly: " All the kids do. It's not like they know he's my dad." Peg: " Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off somewhere together?" Al: " No, not really." Peg: " Al will drive around until he gets hungry or has to use the bathroom and he'll come slinking home like nothing happened. Then we'll go to bed and nothing will happen." Sherry: " You've got very strong fore arms. It must be from all that flushing." Sherry: " What do men look for in a woman?" Al: " You. You're beautiful. You're blonde. You're facing me. It's everything I look for." Sherry: " I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who will stay the night." Al: " I should be heading home." Sherry: " Can I come with you?" Al: " What are my chances that Peg's in a coma?" Episode 108: Peg gets a job --------------------------- Al: " In the history of the Bundy's, no wife ever worked outside or inside the house." Peg: " You're not a house wife. You have your own money. I have to be sneaky. When you first get married, you can withhold sex. But they get to like it." Peg: " Men. God love em. They're just children with pay checks." Peg: " You must be hungry. Do you want something to eat?" Bud: " Not now, mom. I don't have time to cook." Al: " Peg, some words of warning before you head off for work. When you step outside, you're going to feel something warm on the back of you neck. That's just our friend, the sun." Peg: " And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit, that's just your friend, my foot." Peg: " What did daddy make you for dinner." Bud: " Marshmallows." Peg: " Where's the dog?" Bud: " He's out barfing marshmallows. It looks like a snowstorm." Marcie: " How was your first day at work?" Peg: " I hate work. That's why I got married." Bud: " Why don't you goto the supermarket and get some real food like mom used to defrost?" Al: " I hate that place. I always get stuck in the 2000 item or less line behind a woman in a mumu and curlers. They wait until everything's rung up before they reach for their purse. Like it never occurred to them that they'd have to pay. Then they turn around and ask me the date. Like it matters to me. All they gotta do is look at the date on the milk carton and add one." Al: " If she works any longer, we'll be in the poor house. Actually, I'll be in prison for killing your wife." Steve: " I don't like to butt into your business." Al: " Go ahead. Pretend you are your wife." Steve: " I think you should take into consideration what's best for Peggy." Al: " Why would I do that?" Marcie: " I'm settling an argument here. Al is a cheap, sexist, primitive throwback of a human being." Steve: " What's the argument?" Episode 109: Steve and Marcie babysit Bud and Kelly --------------------------------------------------- Bud: " Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhodes has a bigger bra size than you." Marcie: " Peg, you should get away." Peg: " That would be great but the kids and Al would just hunt me down." Peg: " Look, Al. Steve and Marcie are here." Al: " I know. I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave but I ran out of gas." Steve: " You should go out." Al: " Steve, look at the redhead in the kitchen. Picture, her in heat." Marcie: " We're sorry." Steve: " We're sorry we ever moved in next door to the devil's spawning ground." Episode 110: Steve plays poker with Al -------------------------------------- Steve: " Marcie needs the car for her women's club meeting." Al: " What are they gonna do? Pile in and look for men to run over." Al: " If you want a perfect woman, you gotta build her in your head. It gives you something to think about when you make love to your wife." Steve: " I don't gamble." Al: " We're married men, we all gamble." Steve: " What am I gonna tell Marcie?" Al: " We're men, lie." Al: " With Peg, I have to get the first word in, so I have to be quick. If it's really tough, I throw her a quick one. And if she still wants to talk, who cares, I'm already asleep." Lady: " I want something to go with this < ugly > dress." Al: " How about a bubbling cauldron?" Lady: " Your brave." Al: " I must be to get this close to your feet." Al: " Did you tell her she looked beautiful?" Steve: " Yes." Al: " Did she bring up the money again?" Steve: " We were at it until 8 this morning. Marcie's out cold and I don't know how I got here." Al: " Then it worked." Steve: " Yea, but it may never work again. I gotta ask you for a big favor." Al: " I can't. She's your wife. I don't even like touching mine." Al: " That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring." Al: " 25, the perfect age. Just before their butts start to sag and they start wearing Reebok's." Episode 111: Al meets his boss ------------------------------ Al: " I heard some bad news on the radio." Peg: " You don't use it, you loose it?" Al: " What do I care." Al: " The guy that owns the store, Gary, disappeared going to Hawaii...who's gonna sign my checks?" Peg: " What's there to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels." Peg: " Did you ever think of sending me flowers?" Al: " You're still alive." Peg: " You spent $300 on flowers for a guy that's not dead while your family goes hungry and your wife goes naked." Al: " I'd kill before I'd let you go naked...and no jury would convict me." Marcie: " The family sent all the flowers to his favorite charities." Peg: " I hope they sent some to the Home for the Poor and Stupid." Al: " I told you we're not living with your mother." Al: " Wherever a fat woman buying shoes shoves her foot in a poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever a guy tries to return a pair of shoes he's been wearing for three months, I'll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there. But whenever Shamu needs a mate, you'll be there." Gary: " The next woman I bed will be dedicated to you." Al: " Could you make it a blonde?" Gary: " They do make life worth living, don't they?" Al: "I wouldn't know." Episode 112: Marcie dreams of Al -------------------------------- Peg: " That's 2 nights in a row you've dreamt of Al." Marcie: " This is where you're supposed to tell me how Al is quick in the sack and we both laugh." Peg: " Al hasn't been quick in the sack with me 2 nights in a row for a long time." Marcie: " I was throwing up all night." Peg: " So did I at first, but I got used to it." Al: " What should I do? Stop wearing T-shirts? Stop oozing sex from every pore?" Peg: " That's not sex." Al: " Why can't you have dreams like me...I'm Maharaja Bundy and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day." Marcie: " Is Steve in there?" Al: " No, just Phil Donohue and he gets eaten by the Lizard people." Episode 113: Johnny B. Goode's closes ------------------------------------- Al: " Hey, Marcie, what's holding the towel up?" Peg: " Make yourself at home, watch TV and don't pet the dog. He might expect it from us." Al: " I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?" Al: " It sounds like a history of WW 2." <...now in French> Al: " More people we should have killed." Kelly: " There he is fixing the male child's problem while I take the back seat." Bud: " You should be used to that." Peg: " I'll call Spike and have him trade our number with my friend Easy Eddy, you know, the one that turned you down in high school." Steve: " I was in a hurry so I grabbed the first thing I saw." Al: " I did that. That's how I ended up with Peg." Peg: "Just go in there and show 'em what you've got." Al: " That's how Peg got me." Marcie: " It sounds like you've got a lot of memories there < Johnny B. Goode's>." Peg: " More than anywhere else. After all, that's where I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...and I met Al there, too." Episode 201: Buck can do it --------------------------- Peg: " I want you to do something for me that you've been promising for a long time." Al: " What's that you say, Peg? I'm sorry. It's just this darn headache." Peg: " Not that. I meant something that requires movement on your part. I want you to fix the back fence." Al: " Wait a minute. Why should I fix it? It wasn't me who said 'Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against a fence.' It wasn't meant to support a 200 pound woman with a keg under each arm." Peg: " The kids are getting old enough to realize it's not your part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. Now you won't even fix the fence. What kind of example is that for them?" Al: " If we are an example to the kids, Bud will get a job that will slowly kill him and Kelly, she'll grow up to believe that a 2 income family is a house with 2 husbands." Peg: " I'm talking about the fence. Remember you said Buck couldn't find his way out. Well, he found his way out and he's knocked up every dog in the neighborhood." Al: " That's ridiculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump." Peg: " We had two kids." Al: " Then my work is done...How can that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg." Guy: " Keep your daughter away from my son." Al: " She was probably just borrowing a dress." Al: " Steve, we were put on this earth to roam, to conquer, to rule. Then we got married and it was all over for us." Peg: " Marcie suggested a vet that's close to us &, guess what, it's a woman." Al: " What's she do? Nag them 'til they fall off." Steve: " All you have to do is take a pill." Marcie: " The pill could be dangerous." Steve: " So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing." Al: " Isn't this great. Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his." Episode 202: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 1 -------------------------------- Al: " We're poor so we're going to Dump Water. But remember that it's a day off of work for me, a day off of school for you kids, and, Peg, every day is a vacation for you, so why am I talking to you." Kelly: " Where are we going to sleep?" Guy: " She must have been really scared for her hair to turn white at such a young age." Al: " I asked for the twin beds." Guy: " Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought it.'" Al: " Remember our motto:'We ain't got it.'" Lady: " You look like a nice couple ." Al: " You, too." Lady: " Anything else I can do for you?" Peg: " Al, maybe she can bend down again & pick up your tongue." Al: " Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy." Kelly: " Is there any real food here or do I have to stand under a bug light with my mouth open?" Bud: " Even bumpkins have feelings." Guy: " What would you like?" Kelly: " A bus ticket and a real family but I'd settle for a couple of burgers." Peg: " Comfortable, Al?" Al: " Does it matter?" Peg: " No, not really." Al: " It's supposed to be my vacation." Peg: " Get to work, Al." Episode 203: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 2 -------------------------------- Peg: " I love you, Al" Al: " Who cares? We're gonna die." Guy: " Be careful, the one with the powerful feet has a fork in his pants." Al: " 'Why didn't we got to Hawaii? Why did we come here? Why did we have to take the car?' Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe." Al: " Delbert's the killer. I know it, you know it, and, if Darwin's right, they'll < townspeople > will know it in a million years." Al: " I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day." Peg: " ...and the thing you move across the rug that goes 'vroom?'" Murderer: " A vacuum?" Peg: " I feel naked without one." Murderer: " Then you'll definitely have one." Kelly: "Will you stop it?" Bud: " That's the first time you've ever said those words, Kel." Peg: " Maybe this is just one of those mystery vacations." Bud: " It's no mystery. Dad was just too cheap to take us somewhere nice so we're gonna get butchered." Al: " Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes. I was dead before I got here." Al: " Ma'am, sorry to bother you while you're dressing but have you seen a tall red haired woman...I forget her name right now but the kids call her 'mom.'" Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million ----------------------------------- Al: " Ahh, it feels like I'm in......hell." Peg: " How was your day, honey?" Al: " It was fine up until now." Kelly: " Billy's dad...just got a Porsche." Bud: " That's the third one on the block: Porsche, Porsche, Dodge, Porsche." Al: " We also have wage earners, wage earners......leeches, wage earners." Al: " Did I tell you kids I love you today?" Bud: " No, dad." Al: " Think about that on the way upstairs." Steve: " Al, you know cars. Should I get the Volvo, the Baby Benz, or the BMW?" Al: " The BMW is a fine car but, if you drive into a brick wall, the Mercedes has air bags so...get the BMW." Al: " Everybody is making money." Peg: " No they aren't...you're not." Steve: " Al, if I'm going to be playing in the shower with maniacs, you're going to be passing the soap." Steve: " As soon as we're behind bars, Al, I'm gonna kill you. If I can't do it myself, I'm gonna make sure my boyfriend's bigger than your's." Steve: " There's the long arm of the law." Al: " No, it's the frog legs of your wife." Steve: " Guess what I got under my arm." Al: " Nair burn." Radio Announcer: " And in local news, tragedy was averted when a sobbing woman and her 2 kids were talked off the roof of the Sears Tower in what was thought to be Chicago's first family suicide attempt in history. The woman was reported as saying,'Shoes. He sells shoes.'" Episode 205: Crime Light / No Phone ----------------------------------- Al: " I hate that light. It makes everything look yellow. The neighborhood's ugly enough in the day. I don't want to look at it at night." Al: " Who are you talking to, Peg?...It must be your mother. Tell he I said 'oink.'" Al: " The phone bill came. Let's see...There's some big fat calls to Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?" Peg: " Hold on, mom." Al: " That's right. Your mother." Al: " Peg, why don't you be a game show host. Someone asks for $10000. You shrug your shoulders and then I come out and pay them. We can call it 'That Idiot Al.'" Kelly: " Bye mom. I'm off to live in the streets if you need me." Peg: " OK, but I don't think I'll need you." Kelly: " I'm not moving back 'til we get a phone or I get married." Peg: " We want a phone, Al." Al: " I want a life. Good luck to us all." Al: " Who called 'Dial-A-Prayer?'" Bud: " I did but don't pay. Kelly's still here." Al: " Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?" Al: " I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married." Peg: " There's one thing that's still free. Why don't you dust off Mr. VanWinkle and bring him over for a visit. Sex, Al." Al: " Great, the one thing I would pay for." Al: " I can't sleep, what should we do?" Peg: " Since we aren't using the phone, we could wrap the cord around your neck and tighten slowly until the sandman comes." Bud: " Dad, is there anything we could do to make you change your mind, like saying 'I love You,' or would you see right through that?" Episode 206: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 1 -------------------------------------------- Fat lady: " It's because of guys like that that I don't wear shorts anymore." Al: " You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the harpoons?" Peg: " Why don't you bring me flowers?" Al: " We had sex." Peg: " Something I'd enjoy would be nice." Fat Lady: " He is undressing me with his eyes." Steve: " Ma'am, that would take years." Peg: " You were staring at her < awesome babe > too?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " She have nice legs?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " She have nice breasts?" Al: " Yea." Peg: " Do you wanna go upstairs?" Al: " Yea....Wait! with you?" Peg: " Well, emptied the fridge...I'm glad you took Marcie's advice and hired a woman to fix the refrigerator." Al: " I wish I could hire someone to fill it." Marcie: " Steve, you're just like Al. No, you're worse than Al. He's a neanderthal sexist but he doesn't try to hide it." Al: " Hide it? I'd get a t-shirt that says it." Marcie: " Peg, do you know what's going on under your roof?" Peg: " We're rotting our lives away. But the kids seem to like it." Marcie: " Steve and I were supposed to goto a fundraiser for my womens' group." Al: " Steve, was it formal? You know, 300 pound women with crew cuts wearing flannel." Al: " Look at it, Steve. It's like 2 rhinos gently playing under a tent." Al: " If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it." Al: " Look, Steve. It's good for women to be gone when they're mad at you...It's good for women to be gone." Al: " You don't go fishing for minnows when you have Moby Dick at home." Bud: " Grandma makes me dance with her." Al: " Do what I do: ride on her feet." Bud: " Get Kelly to go. She's used to dancing with smelly old people for money." Al: " Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like you and I think "Go Home." Then the horror hits me, she is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve." Steve: " Don't you want your daughter to be appreciated for more than her physical beauty?" Al: " Let me see how I'm going to answer this. Pumpkin, come down here. Now, sweetheart, tell Uncle Steve what career your guidance counselor said you'd be best suited for." Kelly: " Lumber camp toy or the other woman." Al: " $80 to fix a big hulking thing that doesn't work and $20 to marry one." Al: " 16 years ago, Peg's father came to me and said,' Here, take it. From me to you. It's your's. It's hardly been used.' I should've known something was up. Come to think of it, he sold me that refrigerator, too." Steve: " Where do you think the girls went, Al?" Al: " To a nice place, away." Episode 207: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 2 -------------------------------------------- Kelly: " Was there an earthquake last night. The walls were shaking and I heard dad scream?" Peg: " Well, he scares easily." Bud: " I slept through it. It must have been a short one." Peg: " Several short ones." Zorro: " I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's." Al: " I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you." Al: " Oh, and if my wife should ever lose anything down your pants, so will you." Al: " Women like us to look at them like slabs of beef. Do you think that they wear tights so women can say to them 'Gee, your thighs look succulent?" Some do but they become gym teachers, I mean women." Al: " Just when you've broken here, just when you've striped away the last ounce of her pride, just when she's bending down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy." Al: " Last month when you came back from "swapping recipes" , you were, let's say, 'horny as a toad' and I gave you some money to fix the breaks on my car, do I have any breaks, Peg?" Peg: " No, Al." Al: " And when the kids needed money for a school project, we don't really sponsor a Korean family." Peg: " No, Al." Al: " And when Kelly needed contacts. So the big frost didn't really drive up the price of Tang. Are the kids really at your mother's or have they been sold to some Arabs?" Marcie: " We got to get backstage." Peg: " We have to get something out of Zorro's pants." Guy: " That old story again, Mrs. Bundy." Marcie: " This is an emergency." Guy: " Yea, right. Listen lady. We used to let women backstage until the big riot. We call it the Bundy rule." Marcie: " It's my wedding ring. I want it back or I'll see you in court." Guy: " I don't think so. You see......'Troy's is not responsible for valuables lost in any part of a dancer.' Once again, the Bundy rule." Marcie: " Steven notices everything. Do you know what we do in bed? Peg: " Yea, Bud tells us." Marcie: " Oh, well. Anyway, Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring fingers together, stare at our wedding rings and kiss." Peg: " So Bud made that up about Little Bo Peep and the Cop?" Peg: " You ready for grandma's kids? You got you room deodorizers?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Toilet seat covers?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Flea and tick spray?" Kids: " Yes, mom." Peg: " Well, then, you're ready......There's your taxi." Bud: " Please, mom, don't do this." Peg: " Bud, honey, be strong. I'll see you in a couple of days." Kelly: " We love you mom...but not today." Peg: " Oh, and remember, when you say 'hello,' grandpa is the one with hair." Marcie: " Any sign of Zorro?" Peg: " No, but I think I slept with Speedy Gonzalez last night." Steve: " I feel so guilty. Every time I look at Marcie's face all I can see is that girl's heiny. It's wrong, Al, and I feel unworthy of someone like Marcie." Al: " She's a special person. Oh, By the way, here's her wedding ring she lost down some guy's jock at a strip club last night." Episode 208: Kelly gets license ------------------------------- Kelly: " Where's daddy?" Peg: " He's getting his hair cut." Kelly: " He doesn't need a hair cut." Peg: " I know. It's where he and his friends get together & talk about what they could've been, so it shouldn't be long." Al: " Peg, sell the house." Peg: " Why, did you find a shirt you want to buy?" Al: " Yea, it said 'Congratulate me. The Wife's dead.'" Al: " You're such a help, Peg. That's like the old saying,'Behind every empty shell of a man stands one of your relatives.'" Kelly: " Dad got a ticket for a broken tail light. Then he got another one 'cos his license expired last month." Peg: " That means it was your birthday last month. Happy birthday, honey." Bud: " OK, Kel. An old man pulls up beside you on the street and offers you a dollar. Do you: A: ignore him and keep walking B: call the police C: do what you usually do" Bud: " Being without a license, dad, does it make you feel any less of a man?" Al: " No, son, that's your mother's job." Steve: " How come you aren't at the track?" Al: " For the same reason I'm not out with a sleazy blonde, I'm married with children." Steve: " Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world." Peg: " Why, what happened to Al?" Episode 209: The Bundy's go bowling ----------------------------------- Al: "There goes my day!" Peg: " All you have to do is bowl and be a Bundy." Steve: " Fat chance, only if I swing from a vine and marry Cheetah." Al: " We'll Bundy you up." Steve: " I don't want you to Bundy me up. What if I don't come back?" Bud: " You're dirt, Kel." Kelly: " Yes, but everybody knows it." Steve: " Bud, are your folks in. I want to ask them if I could be an adopted Bundy. That would explain my hygiene, grammar, and my ability to walk upright." Guy: " Who is this ?" Peg: " That's cousin Steve." Guy: " He's not a Bundy. I smell a ringer." Guy: " My mistake. He's a Bundy." Al: " Strike!!" Peg: " Can you do it again?" Al: " That's all I ever hear from you." Episode 210: Steve's beard -------------------------- Bud: " When I get married, no wife of mine is going to tell me what to do." Kelly: " She's just going to go 'baaaa.'" Bud: " Oh, yeah. Everyone make fun of me 'cos I'm the only virgin in the house." Kelly: " That's not true." Bud: " Naaaa." Marcie: " Peg, what would you do if Al didn't come home for 5 days?" Peg: " Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel." Peg: " Al, did you have to come home?" Al: " Well, the summer house was closed up. The yacht was in dry dock. So I figured, what the hell, I'll goto the ghetto home." Marcie: " We're waiting for Steve." Al: " So the bucket of death wasn't meant for me." Al: " A beard, eh..." Peg: " It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway." Steve: " If you're going to watch TV remember I go to bed at 10:30. Al: " 10:30? But that's when Peg goes to bed. I'll have to go up with her." Steve: " I hate to punish Peggy but I need my sleep." Marcie: " I'm not going to go against my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure." Peg: " An hour and a half. If you add up all the sex that Al and I have ever had, it doesn't add up to an hour and a half... of pleasure, anyway." Al: " Nature played a cruel trick on us." Steve: " They did move us next door to each other." Al: " Well, two. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men from ruling the Earth. Men have an urge but women have the answer. That's not much but it's all they need." Al: " They have the same urges. We can do the job and they can't take a battery home to meet the parents." Peg: " When you pick him up for the Banker's Ball, wear the sleasiest outfit you can find. I'll loan you something." Marcie: " Our marriage isn't based on that." Peg: " Then what does it mean when you're screaming 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God' yet you never go to church." Peg: " Nature played a cruel trick on men. They gave them a source of pleasure but, in order for it to work, the blood has to leave the brain. It leaves them confused, disoriented. It wants to enter into negotiations. The brain needs the blood back. It needs it to go to work to pay for all those things agreed to a moment before. We may not have upper body strength but we do have sexual kryptonite." Al: " I have a gift for you. A special gift. I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary. Sit down. Clear your mind and think of Marcie." Al: " Here's a picture of my mother-in-law." Steve: " Aaaaaaah." Al: " Everybody says that. That's her bending over at the beach. Summer 1971. Notice the perspiration percolating in the folds of her stomach. You may wonder why her upper arms are blurry. There was a breeze, we caught them in mid-flap." Steve: " I came over to apologize for all the noise you may have heard list night." Peg: " Don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when Marcie said 'I don't care how lonely Mr. Mike is.'" Al: " Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes. Can you do that?" Peg: " Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half like Steve does? Can you do that?" Episode 211: Kelly goes to get a tattoo --------------------------------------- NOTE: The 'N' in Al's uniform is backwards. Al: " It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time." Al: " If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men." Al: " Your mom could lose a grounder in the sun." Al: " I might not be around forever." Kelly: " That's what mom says." Al: " Your mom's the reason I might not be around." Al: " Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy... well, at least until he jumps a freight train." Al: < to Kelly's boyfriend >"Drink all my juice did you?" Bud: " You know that juice gives him the energy he needs to fight infection < as he looks at Kelly >" Al: " Society somehow separated the sexes. It made some people women. I don't know why. I'd rather be dead. It made women weaker. They're meant to do things for men. Men aren't made to do things for women...until they're married and the law makes them." Al: " Where's the tattoo parlor?" Bud: " Next to the club that says 'Girls, Girls, Girls.' You go..." Al: " I know where it is." Kelly: " I love everything about him: his hair, his breath..." Peg: " There goes the myth that a girl wants a guy like her mother has." Al: " How about a guy like her mother's dad...you know, the chronically unemployed." Peg: " You look familiar. Do I know you?" Brian: " I'm not sure. I work at the market." Al: " Then she definitely doesn't know you." Peg: " You told the sister,'Bless this, sister.'" Al: " I may not know all the religious gestures but I recognized the one she gave me." Al: " She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold. Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could do to him." Episode 212: Art student stays over ----------------------------------- Al: "This isn't a present for you. It's for Daddy." Al: "There are so many things we want to know. Where are you from? What are your plans? And when did you stop wearing a bra?" Al: " Tiffany, can I get you anything: food, water,..." Peg: " An old man drooling on you." Steve: " When it's all said and done, the 1 true erogenous zone is right here ." Al: " Not many guys go around pinching women's heads." Marcie: " Steve won't touch me." Peg: " Do what we girls do. Go shopping, get some bon-bons and re-adjust the shower heads." Peg: " We've learned so much. Like you won't die if we do it more than once a month." Al: " I have news that'll make your life easier." Peg: " You got a night job?" Al: " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed with You.'" Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work." Al: " Are we having dinner or are you just testing me and the kids?" Al: " There's plaster falling on my head." Peg: " They say the sun's going to supernova tomorrow and that we should have sex before it happens." Al: " I don't have time. I have to go looting." Peg: " Unlike you, the sun will be up in the morning." Peg: " We must put an end to global warming. We must buckle up for safety. But when it comes to Peggy Bundy getting it on a regular basis, we must go with the flow." Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas ----------------------------------- Kelly: " Dad, why don't we get Bud one of these scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture." Bud: " You really wanna save the furniture Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed posts?" Al: " Now Bud, apologize to your sister." Bud: " No." Al: " Okay." Al: " Family, before you go shopping, would you bring old daddys shotgun and stand close together?" Al: " Oh come on, that's not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about family and giving. Okay, here is all the crap my family gave us last year. It's time for the traditional re-wrapping of this garbage for your family." Al: " That's about it for Christmas this year." Kelly: " Aren't you forgetting something greatest daddy in the world?" Bud: " Coolest dad in the universe." Peg: " You, who makes my life worth living?" Al: " You all want your presents, don't you?" Peg: " No, we really love you." Delivery Boy: " Hi, do the Rhoades live here?" Peg: " Why?" Delivery Boy: " I have a delivery for them." Peg: " Oh yes, I'm Mrs. Rhoades. Oh thank you... ... Oh gee, I don't have any change. Bud could you take care of that please?... ... Thank you dear. Look kids what we got from ... the Schmidts from Philadelphia... ... Look honey what we've got from the Schmidts." Al: " Ahh, they're good people." Al: " Well you know, even when we didn't have too much, we could always look at the poor people, that were less fortune than us and feel better. Well, let's find a mirror." Peg: " Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays." Al: " Happy Birthday, hon." Marcy: " Delivery from Santa for the Bundys." Peg: " Oh gee, well thank you. Good thing they're labelled, wouldn't wanna get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us." Marcy: " What did Peggy get you Al?" Al: " Her regularity ... and these two ." Coroner: " Did you know the deceased?" Peg: " You know, I've read about him in books. But in books he is usually going up." Coroner: " So that's a `No`. Did anyone actually see him fall?" Bud: " I wish." Steve: " Is that your shoe Al?" Al: " Nope." Marcy: " Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,..." Coroner: " You know Mr. Bundy, that's evidence. Ah what the hell, it's Christmas, let him keep it." Marcy: " Santa is gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again." Kelly: " Well, you're in the right place." Peg: " Oh come one Marcy, these things happen. Cheer up, it could have been worse, he could have landed on the picket fence." Coroner: " Hey, this bag of Santa is getting pretty heavy over here." Peg: " Oh, put him over by the presents. There's plenty of space there." Al: " I`m rolling him (Santa) out right now." Peg: " Al, they're children." Al: " Well, this will grow 'em up." Coroner: " You know, Pizza, that always reminds me of my first day on the job." Al: " Ahhhhhh, don't jump on Santas lap too hard little girl. Mrs. Claus won't like that." Al: " All dead guys and non-relatives out." Bud: " So long Kel." Kelly: " Yeah, as if they really intended to have you." Peg: " Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on." Al: " Oh great, probably an elf with a knife in his back." Mallman: " I'm from the Lakeside Mall and I just wanted to offer our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you." Al: " Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You just took all my business, cost me my bonus, made my family hate me, ..." Peg: " That's right." Al: " ... and on top of all that, you slam-dunk Santa into my backyard." Coroner: " You know Bundy, you're a decent guy. So here is a little hint from me to you: Don't die with your jewelry on." Kelly: " What's that?" Al: " I don't know. But if it is dead and has a red nose,we throw it in Steve and Marcie's yard." Bud: " Can we go to the new mall?" Al: " That mall is killing your father." Kelly: " I thought mom is." Coroner: " Oh-oh" Al: " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in the front yard" Al: " What do you want?" Kid: " A horse" Al: " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse and if it isn't there in the morning, it's because your mom hunted it down and killed it." Episode 214: Al & Steve collect baseball cards ---------------------------------------------- Bud: "When's mom and dad gonna realize you're stupid and leave you alone." Peg: " We saw your book report entitled: 'Brazil: the Land of rubber and sunshine.' Why is there a picture of your sister in a bikini." Bud: " It illustrates the easy sex in Brazil? How did I do?" Peg: " Like your father in life, you failed." Peg: " He needs a hobby. Something you can show him, Al. You can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to the bathroom and he's too young to drink." Steve: " He could come with you in the morning & steal my paper." Al: " My mornings are for me." Steve: " When I was young, I collected baseball cards. I had a great collection 'til my mom threw them away." Al: " It's the greatest hobby but women just don't get it." Peg: " No, what I don't get is sex." Peg: " Men are such idiots and I married their king." Marcie: " I didn't need them . I had Barbie." Peg: " And I had a very special bath toy." Kelly: " I had a meeting with the principal. A 3 hour meeting. A 3 hour meeting. I told him you mistakenly confused Robinson Caruso and Gilligan's Island. But he said, 'Even you, Miss Bundy, aren't that stupid.'" Bud: " But we proved them wrong, didn't we." Peg: " Al, take Marcie upstairs to our room and let her cry on our bed. Lord knows it's used to tears." Al: " Both sides, Peg. Both sides." Peg: " I don't think they should have kids." Al: " I don't think anyone should." Episode 215: A mouse is loose ----------------------------- Bud: " Did you hear noises last night?" Peg: " Daddy had gas last night." Bud: " No, it's a sound I've never heard before." Kelly: " It could've been a girl moaning your name." Kelly: " Bud, you should be a model. I can see it now. Your face on a poster along with the caption 'My Father Should've Used A Condom.'" Al: " I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet. Then it wanted a kiss. By the way, where is your mother?" Peg: " I've never been so scared in all my life." Al: " Did you see the vacuum?" Peg: " A mouse...kill it." Al: " Don't worry. Once it sees how we live, it'll go away. I know I would." Peg: " Hold me." Al: " Why? I didn't do anything wrong." Kelly: " A mouse trap in my room?" Bud: " The guys under the bed object, Kel?" Kelly: " What will my friends say?" Al: " 'Unlike your dad, the mouse will eat before it dies.'" Al: " With you 3 here, it makes me wonder why I'm hunting the mouse." Al: " Just once I'd like to hear ' Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids.'" On the good side, life's half over." Al: " I'll torture it. I'll throw it against the wall. I'll stomp on it. And if there's an ounce of life left in it's body, I'll strap it in a chair, tape it's eyelids open and make it watch 'ThirtySomething.'" No mouse doodies on Al Bundy's shoes and lives." Al: " I can hear him laughing at me because he thinks he has me." Peg: " No, he's laughing 'cos he knows I got you." Al: " I have no insurance. You must be killing me for the sport." Peg: " Why can't men just utter the words 'I don't know how?' Even on our honeymoon, Al just wouldn't admit it." Episode 216: Buck gets a credit card ------------------------------------ Peg: " I think we forgot something. Bud, give me the shopping list... eggs, bread, milk...That's it. We forgot to do the grocery shopping." Al: " Where's Kelly?" Bud: " She's out on a double date...Her and two guys." Al: " Yodelin' Andy yodels the blues. Yodelin' Andy yodels the hits. The Best of Yodelin' Andy. Yodelin' Andy's bill for $117. Peg: " Get real." <..at Bud> Bud: " That's all my record collection needs..." Al: " It's not Kelly. Our names are spelled right." Al: " When I was heading to the lobster house with Sven, I asked him if it was all worth it. He said,'When it's for the family, it's always worth it.' He also said a lobster couldn't pinch through an athletic supporter...Sven was 0 for 2 today." Al: " How am I going to pay for all this?" Peg: " If you didn't eat that grilled cheese sandwich, you could use your credit card." Al: " If your father hadn't laced the vermouth, we'd still be single." Peg: " You're just jealous of the dog." Al: " I'm jealous of everyone not married to you." Al: " Money changes you. Here we are in the same room together and I haven't once thought of going into the garage, starting the car, and letting the engine purr me to sleep." Al: " We could go to a fancy hotel and only be 20 minutes away." Peg: " Could we, Al?" Al: " As long as I'm not paying for it, nothing's too good for my wife." Al: " You old dog, you." Guy: " I could say the same about you." Al: " You could say the same about her ." Episode 218: A night at the shoe store -------------------------------------- Bud: " So may women, so little time." Al: " Only one woman, too much time." Kelly: " He's got a house in Jamaica. Do you know what I'd do for a house in Jamaica?" Bud: " The same thing you do for a dinner and a movie." Al: " F, F, F, D. What happened Kelly, you attend one?" Peg: " $1750 a job , $1750 a year , smart , dumb , winner , loser ." Al: " Suicide , reason ." <3 babes walk into store> Peg: " We're closed." Al: " We've never been more open. Peg, how can I disappoint the ladies?" Peg: " Have sex with them." Al: " I intend to." Babe 1: " I don't know how to explain it. I think it's called nymphomania." Babe 2: " Shouldn't you be measuring my foot since I'm the one buying the shoes?" Al: " But she's the nymphomaniac." Fat Lady: " I need shoes." Al: " The blacksmith's right around the corner." Al: " We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over." Al: " Damn mannequins look like hookers." Episode 219: Marcie wrecks Steve's Mercedes ------------------------------------------- Steve: " My car, she touched it. Now it doesn't feel like mine anymore." Al: " I feel that way about several parts of my body." Peg: " Al, why can't you be more like Steve?" Marcie: " ...and he's impotent!" Peg: " You are like Steve." Marcie: " We tried 6 times last night." Peg: " Did you hear that, Al? 6 times." Al: " I could fail six times in one night, too...Let's analyze this, the first time you tried, was the light on?" Marcie: " Yes." Al: " There you go, he saw you." Al: " Hey, Steve, what's up...oops." Marcie: "You were once a mighty oak and now..." Al: " You're a hanging vine." Marcie: " I need to know how to turn on a man." Al: " I'm not a plastic surgeon but I'll do what I can." Al: " Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It could be worse' Tour." Marcie: " Does Al allow you to drive his car?" Peg: " A few times. Once the car didn't have any brakes and someone had to take it to the shop." Marcie: " Peggy, can I borrow your car? I gotta go to the supermarket." Peg: " My car doesn't go there." Peg: " The only time Al & I spent a weekend in the bedroom was when we had to hide from the kids 'cos we forgot it was Christmas." Marcie: " Steve's impotent." Peg: " Give it time. I thought Al had that problem in '74 but, by '79, it had cleared up." Al: " Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen." Marcie: " Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk." Marcie: "There may be something alive with fewer brain cells than you but wherever, or whatever, it is, I bet it's name is Bundy." Al: " I didn't sleep a wink last night with Steve's car alarm going off. Of course, it woke your mom and I had to talk to her. Kids, you almost lost your dad last night." Peg: " You're lucky. The thing you can't touch is in the garage. Mine's in the bedroom." Steve: " It took me weeks to fix the seat just like I like it. Almost as long as it took me to fix the mirrors and set my favorite stations on the radio." Al: " How long will it take you to fix the fire hydrant shaped hole in the passenger's side...Oops, spoiled Marcie's surprise." Peg: " Al, did you have to tell him?" Al: " You betcha." Steve: " Al, I've got to thank you. This impotence scheme of your's has given me a wife I never knew I had. Let me tell you. It was rough faking failure. Trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is a star really helps. Al: " I;ve got a million of 'em." Episode 221: Al hides from money Peg ------------------------------------ Peg: " My mother once told me, 'Why feed a man once when you can feed yourself twice.' and, if you're going to rot in hell, your husband should burn beside you." Peg: " Kelly, here's 5 dollars. Bud?" Bud: " Going by the 'double for virgins' rule, $10." Al: " Peg, have you seen my wallet?" Peg: " What does it look like?" Al: " Old, wrinkled, and empty. Like my life." Al: " Peg, showing the kids what you do all day?" Peg: " Why did I marry you? It couldn't have been for the money." Al: " It must have been that old family tradition: marry a man, ruin his dreams, and move on." Al: " Do you know what happens if I tell Peg ... Steve, meet Peg ...Peg, I won some money. " Babe: " I was in last week. Remember me?" Al: " Nightly...I mean, vaguely." Babe: " I want you." Al: " I'm married." Babe: " Perfect, that means you're already broken in." Al: " I gotta hide this where Peg'll never find it." Al: " Nah, too much down there already...Ah, dirty laundry, she'll never look there." Peg: " Dad has money." Kelly: " I noticed he wasn't studying roadmaps and fondling his car keys like usual." Bud: " I noticed when he shaved today and didn't pause at the jugular." Marcie: " What's wrong with Al? I saw him pulling out and he didn't aim the car at me and gun it." Steve: " I can't stand the way Marcie looks at me with trust." Al: " Most people confuse that look with the 'keep the checks coming or you're outta here' look." Al: " Why don't you come down here?" Peg: " I wanna cuddle. We haven't done that in a long time." Al: " Let's do something I wanna do." Peg: " I don't wanna dig in my ear and look like an idiot." Episode 222: Peg's family comes to visit ---------------------------------------- Peg: " We have to talk." Al: " I'm broke and I'm blind. What do we have to talk about?" Peg: " You haven't been very kind to them < her family >" Al: " Neither has nature, go talk to it." Al: " You may wonder why my house is tilting. Peg's family is in town. 6 of 'em, 12 of you count her mother." Bud: " Kelly has some indoor / outdoor records of her own. In fact, she's so good she's about to turn pro." Kelly: " And think, Bud will never be bald. He'll always have the hair on the palm of his hands." Al: " Go home!" Peg: " A good start, Al, but show them that you care!" Al: " Ok, go home and drive carefully!" Episode 301: Camping trip ------------------------- Steve: " They want our women. Al: " Well, then our women they shall have! Al: " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like the black widow, likes to mate first." Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at." Al: " You ignore the kids. You neglect the house. Yet you find time to let the food get cold before you serve it. Peg, how do you do it?" Peg: " I just care more about me than you and the kids." Al: "Times like this make me wanna take you upstairs and plug that hole in the roof." Al: " This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids & I'll see you in a week." Peg: " You promised to do all the jobs that you never did, like consummate marriage...nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job." Al: " Oh, Geez, it must be my lucky day." Steve: " What's they do? Raise the minimum wage?" Al: "If you throw down the fishing rods, they break. If they break, daddy can't go fishing. If daddy can't go fishing, he's stuck with mommy. And if he's stuck with mommy, no one gets outta here alive." Peg: " It's Kelly's time of the month." Al: " Why'd we bring her then?" Bud: " Squeek through another month, eh, Kel?" Al: " Do you know why they have their periods? They know we're gonna have fun. Before men, women didn't have periods." Al: " Something big came out of the woods crashing through the brush. I thought it was you, Peg, but it didn't want my wallet." Steve: " They can sense when women are..." Al: " Killing their husbands?" Al: " We have the cast of Bambi out there and in here we have some of the 7 dwarfs: Puffy, Crabby, and Horny. Marcie: " I know. Let's go on a nature hike. We can look at all the flowers and take pictures of the wildlife." Al: " Then we'll all get naked and sing 'This Land is Your Land.'" Marcie: " The air smells great." Peg: " Get used to it now. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off." Al: " Bud, go say something nice to your sister." Bud: " But I don't even like her." Al: " Who does? Just go." Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could ----------------------------------------- Al: " Pop Warner MVP , Little League MVP . I was just a bit younger than Bud. Then I met Peg. Co-ed Softball participant , Rookie-of-the-year Shoe Salesman 1965 . Notice how they're getting smaller." Peg: " Everything about him is." Al: " Yea, and you weren't the cause for that either." Fat Librarian: " Could it be that you don't have the money. Could it be that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be." Al: " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair together are from the planet Krypton." Fat Librarian: " You've become the Freddie Krueger of the library system." Al: " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?" Fat Librarian: " I could've retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?" Al: " You learned to eat library books." Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis --------------------------- Peg: " I saw Elvis." Al: " There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him." Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'" Al: " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet. Face it, we have rib roasts with nails." Al: " As I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself,' Hey, I got a wife. I have to. Why else wouldn't I care?'" Al: " Go to your room." Kelly: " I can't. It's our 'Heartbreak Hotel.'" Peg: " Here it is, my time in the sun and you're a total eclipse." Steve: " I'm suing you. My wife won't leave your house." Al: " Neither will mine but they threw my case out of court." Steve: " You know what we say at the bank,'When opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.'" Marcie: " Elvis was a sex symbol. With men today being the way they are, it's no wonder we look towards the dead for excitement." Marcie: " Look at the stain! It's the King!" Peg: " It's a good one but not one of Al's best." Marcie: " No, look at it. Al sweated Elvis." Al: " Now that Elvis is in our presence, let's do something he liked to do to honor him: let's eat....No, I'll do something Al Bundy likes to do < he grabs paper and heads towards bathroom>...Oh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any superstars." Al: " Peg, just like I said on our honeymoon,'What's going on here?'" Al: " Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?" Steve: " Why do women see Elvis? At least men see something useful like UFO's." Al: " Men see UFO's because they have to. It's our way out. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Hopefully it will be on garbage day. A beautiful Martian babe with 3 hooters will come out. She'll say,'I can't speak. I have no parents and I don't know what good sex is.'" Steve: " What's the third hooter for?" Al: " It's on the back for dancing." Peg: " Al, you sweat Elvis." Al: " If Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me." Episode 304: Kelly becomes a cheerleader ---------------------------------------- In this episode, you find out that the Bundy's phone number is 555-2878. Peg: " Now you can do your chores." Al: " Wait a minute, Peg. We had sex 3 nights ago." Peg: " The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs." Al: " And the more rewarding." Peg: " Way to go, Al." Al: " Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex." Kelly: " Once I can't get a man, I'm nothing." Bud: " No, once your lips stop saying 'yes' and your eyes stop saying 'duh,' you're nothing." Kelly: " If it was as easy for me as Bud: A Penthouse, a nightlight, and a pillow named Shirley." Bud: " Now that we've conquered literature, let's move on to spelling. First word......'tramp.'" Guy: " I play fullback." Al: " Back in my days, we went both ways." Guy: " A lot of the guys today go both ways but not me, I like girls." Bud: " Give it up, Kel. You're not his type." Kelly: " I'm everybody's type." Peg: " Look at Kelly. I'm so proud of her. She's kicking her legs higher than anyone else." Marcie: " But the others are standing up." Al: " Please give me this one. I haven't asked for much... ...and you haven't given me much." Kelly: " Hey, no-life. I need you to help me get this guy." Bud: " What's wrong? The break-away blouse not working." Kelly: " Remember me. We met in the boys shower yesterday." Guy: " Yes, you're the 'soup girl.'" Kelly: " No. 'Soap.' S-O-P-E." Episode 305: Al builds a bathroom --------------------------------- Peg: "Marry your own wallet!" Al: " We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to sleep with mine." Peg: " Is that it's new name?" Al: " You know what it's like to share a bathroom with a woman, in my case, Peg. A woman ruins a bathroom: Nylons hanging from the shower, a tube of Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around...What are they doing in there? Making a salad?" Peg: " How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed? Al: " I don't know.I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?" Peg: " Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?" Al: " Na, I need something stronger." Peg: " I've got an egg and some M&M's. Does anyone want breakfast?" Al: " I'm still trying to digest the chicken from last night. Peg, why did you buy a chicken with 3 legs?" Peg: " The one with 3 drumsticks was 7 cents a pound while the one with 2 cost $1.19 a pound. Sorry for thinking about our wallet before our health." Al: " Didn't you think there was something wrong when the label said 'Chernobyl Farms'? How many chickens have flippers?" Peg: " Did you like it, Bud?" Bud: " Well, it was hard because every time I ate a piece, it would grow back." Peg: " I have talents, you know." Al: " In the real world, they don't give out awards for the longest period by a sophomore." Al: " When I was growing up I had 2 dreams. One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield and the other was having my own bathroom. Then I crash landed on a much darker planet." Peg: " How was school today?" Kelly: " Reading, writing, false alarm, principal's office. The usual." Marcie: " How long will it take Al to finish the bathroom." Peg: " The book says a child can do it on 2 to 3 weeks so...6 to 8 months." Peg: " What does that toilet have that I don't?" Al: " A job." Al: " When people see you have a Ferguson, they think you have money." Peg: " And when the see you have a husband, they think you have sex." Bud: " I have to go stud myself up for school." Kelly: " So you'll be needing your smoking jacket and matching blue pampers." Bud: " Dad, you'll need your boots...It's rising like the mighty Mississippi in there. From what I can tell, either you or mom tried to flush Kelly's report card down the toilet... Oops, did I let the F's out of the bag?" Al: " Why did we have to buy a house with only 1 bathroom?" Peg: " All the houses in our price range were on fire except for the little one with no kitchen I liked." Al: " In my medicine cabinet, I'm just gonna have guy's stuff: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a razor." Steve: " Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?" Al: " It's not for shaving, it's for piece of mind." Kelly: " When's dad gonna turn the power on? I wanna play some records." Bud: " Come on, Kel. You don't need records. You know all the words. Just chant 'Oh Satan. Yeah, Satan. Satan, I'm your squeeze.'" Kelly: " Mom, is this really our life?" Peg: " I think you're old enough to know the truth. Yes, it is." Episode 306: Peg's bra is discontinued -------------------------------------- Peg: " Al, am I still attractive?" Al: " You're still the same knee in the groin you've always been." Al: " You look like you did when I first met you. Only this time I'm not stinking drunk." Marcie: " What would men do if they had breasts?" Al: " We wouldn't need women any more" Peg: " If you had what other men had, I wouldn't need batteries any more." Al: " That's what happened to my DieHard." Steve: " We're married to women." Al: " If I was gay, I'd think I could do better then you." Steve: " What does that mean?" Al: " You just don't turn me on" Lady: " Are you straight?" Al: " The hairs on my chest are." Lady: " Do you think my boyfriend will like this?" Lady: " Or will he like it better without the bra? Al: " I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it." Lady: " What's her < Peg > cup size?" Lady: " Sir?" Al: " Sorry, I was sweating into my eyes." Al: " Let's see the Japanese build a better one of them." Peg: " I feel lower than I did on my honeymoon when I realized that Al wasn't holding back." Peg: " Why do women need bras, anyway?" Al: " To keep your breasts from falling into your plate when you eat." Peg: " I want something new." Al: " Peg, I only know how to do it one way." Peg: " Maybe one day you'll get it right." Al: " Kids, why didn't you tell me it was mom's birthday. I wouldn't have come home." Al: " I gotta get peg a present. If I don't something bad might happen. She might want affection and we both know affection is only a hammer's throw away from sex." Marcie: " This one will hold you over until you get a new one." Peg: " That's what mother said about Al." Peg: " I'm sorry. Kelly's not here." Episode 307: Steve's going bald ------------------------------- Steve: " Look at my head. Do you see something? Al: " My reflection" Steve: " You're losing your hair, too" Al: " You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. It's a miracle my hands haven't fallen off." Steve: " If we lose all our hair, our wives won't love us anymore." Al: " There you go." Marcie: " I'm worried about Steve. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero." Peg: " The ribbed kind?" Steve: " Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that, Al" Peg: " You were great, Al." Al: " Leave me alone." Peg: " Oh, come on, Al. I really, really believe is you practiced once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. And honey, you don't have to hit your head." Al: " It's the one part that I enjoy, Peg. It keeps my mind off of what the rest of my body is going through." Peg: " Well, take it from me. It's not going through much. Al: " Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?" TV Voice: "And that's it for Monday Night Football." Al: " It isn't Tuesday night, Peg. You've done a bad thing and must be punished." Peg: " I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night." <2 babes come into shoe store> Al: " You're not fat and don't have an attitude so you can't be looking for me. But how can I help you anyway?" Al: " I don't like this. It's like the day I got married." Bud: " Look around. If hair got you all this, Dad, let it go." Kelly: " I'll lend you one of my dresses." Bud: " Yea, how about the one that says 'Put Em Here, Boys.'" Bald Guy: " ...Next time a hairy child comes up and says 'Hey, can I rub your head for luck' tell him ' That's not what your mother rubbed.'" Episode 308: Al's barber dies ----------------------------- Bud : " Mom, I know that Kelly is daddy's daughter, but me, I was just a one-night stand with some cool guy right?" Kelly : " I heard that! I'm not daddy's either!" Peg : " Children, children! You're both daddy's kids..." < Bud & Kelly hang their heads> Peg: " Face it, your barber's dead." Al: " Why couldn't it've been someone who wouldn't be missed, a wretch of a human? Why couldn't it've been your mother?" Al: " Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy?" Peg: " Cheer up. Your day will come." Steve: " Why don't you go to my barber?" Al: " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look." Peg: " Like my mother always said,'If you can't fell it, fake it.'" Al: " Yea, and if you can't stand it, marry it." Al: " My barber died. Where am I going to get my hair cut?" Marcie: " You can do the same thing you do with your grass. Park your car on it and let it die." Al: " Thanks, Marcie, but much like the hair on your legs, it needs a trained professional." Peg: " Al, you're making a big thing out of nothing. Usually, you're a big thing that makes nothing." Marcie: " Why don't you find a guy with nice hair and ask him where he gets his hair done?" Al: " I'll compliment him on his hair, he'll complement me on my bedroom eyes, then we'll live together and make terrariums. Marcie: " Steve's worth more dead than alive." Peg: " So's Al. You know, with food stamps, welfare, and all." Peg: " The urine will be easy. I'll just put a cup five feet from the bowl. The blood's the hard part." Al: " Peg, the darndest thing. My neck's bleeding and I woke up with a jar between my legs." Al: " I called my friends." Peg: " What did he say?" Al: " He said,'I'm in San Quentin for killing the wife but it's worth it.'" Al: " I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women." Al: " They replace pinball machines with video games. What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building unless he's going up there to throw his wife off. And have you seen cartoons lately, Peg? Remember when a mouse could hit a cat with a frying pan. What do they do now? They talk it out. Do you know who's to blame? Women and pacifists. And do you know where they get their hair done? They go to salons. Al: " Al Bundy is going to get washed and blown." Girl: " I'm Murphy. How can I help you?" Al: " Can you dance on tables...er, I need my hair cut." Kelly: " What if he looks geeky? Can we laugh?" Peg: " Kelly, he's your father. Of course you can laugh...shhh, I can smell him coming." Peg: " Al, you look like a fruit." Bud: " You have that 'No closet can hold me' look." Kelly: " But you're still wearing mens clothes, aren't you?" Al: " Here's what we do. We find a fire hydrant. Turn the sucker on. Put our heads in the hole and we wash the gay away." Episode 309: Madame Olga ------------------------ Al: " I tried to liven up the party." Peg: " I don't think that was the place to stand on the counter & yell, 'Let's wet down the wives and rate their hooters.'" Al: " I have to agree with Steve. This is the last party I'm ever going to at their house." Bud: " We got the gas. I don't think anyone saw us. They were too busy watching Buck mount Mrs. VanDerGelder's coat." Kelly: " How come Buck can have a coat upstairs and I can't have boys in my room." Bud: " This is the last time I'm working for Dad. From now on, I work alone." Kelly: " Much like when you're in lover's lane." Gypsy: " I feel very strong vibrations here." Al: " Peg, is you 'toy' under there." Episode 310: I'll See You in Court ---------------------------------- Al: " I think I know what's going on here, the chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper, you want sex don't you?" Peg: " No, I want a fur coat but I'll take what's behind zipper number one." Al: " Peg, if you scare him like that, he'll never come out." Peg: " Look, Al. I want sex. Do you want to be conscious or not?" Peg: " Pop in a breath mint and let's see if we can coax the mummy out of his crypt." Al: " I don't want to have sex. You're my wife, for god's sake. Hasn't having the kids taught you anything, nothing good comes out of it." Episode 311: The Bundy's get an inheritance ------------------------------------------- Peg: " What are we gonna do, Al?" Al: " What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do, when you're out of the bedroom, Peg, the answers don't come easy, do they?" Episode 312: Career Day at school --------------------------------- Marcie: " I remember when I was young. I wanted a horse. So I kept talking about stirrups. So my mom took me to the gynocologist...whenever I see a Western I feel the urge to scootch to the end of the table." Kelly: " Mom, you've done a lot for me. Remember when I was 7 and Bobby like Terry just 'cos she was a blonde, you went right out and got me my first bottle of bleach." Peg: " Honey, what's your real hair color?" Kelly: " I don't know. What's your real hair color?" Peg: " I don't know. It's times like these I wished we took pictures." Al: " You're going to open a lemonade stand. There's nothing like a cool glass of lemonade on a hot day." Bud: " But it's 12 degrees out." Al: " Then why are we sweating?" Kelly: " Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing." Al: " You're cold. You're beginning to stoop. You earned a quarter and the women took it from you. Congratulations, Bud, today you are a man." Peg: " Honey, I was just dreaming about you." Al: " Were you in it or was I having a good time." Al: " They have a security guard patrolling the wishing well around the mall so money will be a little tight for a while." Peg: " Bud, don't forget your jacket." Bud: " I don't have one." Al: " What do you mean you don't have one? I just bought you one last week." Bud: " I guess I left it somewhere." Al: " You don't leave a jacket. You leave your hopes, your dreams, and, if you're lucky, your family. But you gotta take care of your jacket." Bud: " Kelly has a big math test coming up. Me and the guys are getting a pool together to guess her score. Now, if I act fast I can cover 0 through 20 and we'll be rolling in dough." Al: " Put me down for 15." Marcie: " Did you know our window's broken?" Steve: " Bud did it. He apologized and promised to let me pay for it." Peg: " I don't belong in the kitchen, Marcie, I'm a woman, dammit." Peg: " Tomorrow's Mother-Daughter Career day at Kelly's school." Marcie: " What are you going to wear?" Peg: " It's a career day. Why would I go?" Episode 313: Kelly joins Tap club / Al loses socks -------------------------------------------------- Al: " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?" Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be taken to the airport." Al: " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone years ago." Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it." Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: 'When one of us is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.'" Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!" Al: " I had 20 pairs of socks. Now I have 19 swinging singles and one pair." Peg: " What's wrong with them?" Al: " They're the pair I was married in: the evil pair." Al: " There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegetables and we don't tap." Al: " Kelly, I'll get up in the morning, paint one ankle and go see your principal. Then I'll board a plane to Borneo where I'll be known as the 'Great White One with One Sock.'" Kelly: " Did you talk to the principal? Did you get me off? Al: " Have I ever disappointed you before?" Kelly: " Yes." Al: " Then you won't be surprised at what daddy has to say." Peg: " Say something nice to Principal Wicker." Al: " You're looking less ugly tonight." Kelly: " The one thing I learned about being a Bundy is, if you loose, loose big. That's what dad does." Al: " Think back when you were little. Roaming the range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself against a tree." Kelly: " How come no date tonight, Bud? Couldn't get the wig on Buck?" Episode 314: Peg sells cosmetics -------------------------------- Kelly: " I'm practically a woman. I don't cook. Why don't you do what I do when I get hungry, get a date?" Bud: " Yea, and slit your skirt up to your neck." Peg: " I have a bone to pick with you, Al." Al: " There wouldn't happen to be any meat on it." Peg: " You're gonna get a second job." Al: " You that worried that I'll live out the year, Peg?" Al: " I'd rather pick my nose with a can opener, I'd rather go bobbing for apples in a pool of alligators, I'd rather have a catheter (?) the size of a garden hose than get a second job." Peg: " Sperm donors. Darn. They want someone with experience." Marcie: " My friend owns a pit bull training school. Does Al have a cup?" Peg: " What for?" Marcie: " He could work his way up to the man with the tranquilizer gun. How's his aim?" Peg: " You've seen our bathroom." Marcie: " And your kids." Al: " I know Oprah doesn't pay people to watch her with their mouths open so how'd you get the money?" Peg: " I'm a Patty Brite girl in my spare time." Al: " So it's a full time job." Al: " Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head." Steve: " I heard about your wife's job...well, actually, I saw it painted on the side of you car." Al: " You sure it wasn't man-blood?" Al: " Steve, you've seen my life. A little's all I have." Al: " If Peg could nag in sign language, she wouldn't need a head at all." Boss: " You're a disgrace, Bundy. Clean your station!" Al: " Marry a redhead!" Steve: " I made more than you losing a tooth when I was a kid." Al: " How'd you like to make a fortune tonight?" Episode 315: The Harder They Fall --------------------------------- Al: " We've got food, a movie and each other. What more could we want?" Kelly: " Hope." Bud: " Food." Kelly: " Pride." Bud: " Teeth." Kelly: " An alias." Bud: " Underwear." Al: " An annulment." Steve: " Al, I'm really upset with your wife." Al: " Kill her." Al: " I wanted Schwartzenager." Peg: " So did I. But I got you and you got Beta." Steve: " We don't have the Bundy's over often enough." Marcie: " That's your rule, Steve." Al: " Peg, don't start the video. I gotta go to the can." Marcie: " My God, our pipes." Steve: " I gotta get the gold fish outta there." Peg: " Keep it in there. It's a good way to test if it's safe for re-entry. We used to use parakeets until they learned to talk and started screaming." Al: " I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to." Al: " Let me tell you about fear. I know you've seen my kids and my wife & you say 'This man's not afraid of anything.'" Al: " We both wanted Peg. Which tells you that love is not only blind but stupid." Episode 316: The House that Peg Lost ------------------------------------ Al: " I thought the beer tasted like your hamburghers." Peg: " It's different than my mom's. She chews tobacco." Al: " I remember her lemonade." Al: " No pajama parties. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one." Kelly: " I was 8." Al: " Yes, but the judge wanted to try you as an adult." Kelly: " I have a note that says: 'Absolutely no pajama parties... or shaving daddy's head until my 16th birthday." Al: " You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now." Kelly: " The jokes on you." Peg: " Actually, the jokes on me but not very often." Kelly: " Bud, pretend it's any normal Saturday night. Turn the lights down low, put on some soft music and dial 1-800-No-Date." Peg: " How come you never take me to a hotel, Al?" Al: " You'd just find your way home." Kelly: " We don't have any food." Al: " My underwear doesn't have any elastic. Talk to June Cleaver here." TV Voice: " Coming up on Women's World: 'Men, herd 'em up and kill 'em all.'" Al: " Steve and Marcie's house is gone." Peg: " Gone? What do you mean, gone?" Al: " Gone. Like my hope, my dreams, my future." Al: " Nothing gets by you Peg.....'Cept a house!" Peg: " Let's fool around." Al: " I feel foolish with other people in the house: Steve & Marice, the kids, you." Peg: " It's raining." Al: " Good, I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown." Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1 --------------------------------------- Bud: " If we don't get some food soon, it's Donner pass baby." Kelly: " He's stringy but seasoned properly, Bud Chops." Bud: " Isn't there anything to eat in this house?" Peg: " I don't think he ever got over waking up that one Christmas morning surrounded by little potatoes with an apple in his mouth." Al: " Hi, Peg. Nice dress. Oprah having a formal episode?" Peg: " Al, don't you remember anything?" Al: " Not since I said 'I do.'" Peg: " You promised to take me to out reunion the night of the prom." Al: " You had fun, Peg." Peg: " Yea, we watched sports all night. You drank all my dad's beer. I said 'I Love You.' You said 'Shut up, I can't hear the game.' Then we did it on my father's coat. You were an animal that night." Al: " Who thought I'd ever see you again?" Peg: " You're trying to make me mad. It didn't work on our wedding night and it won't work now." Steve: " What are you up for?'Cartwheeling to the Grave' award?" Steve: " That's what reunions are for: to laugh at the pitiful people. The one's who have accomplished nothing since high school...I'm sorry, Al." Steve: " Let's go back to our place and punch up some classmate's credit ratings." Marcie: " Then we can make a bed of our negotiable securities and do the wild thing." Peg: " Why don't we have any negotiable securities?" Al: " 'Cos my wild thing broke me." Al: " Don't do this to me. You know it shrivles up all my working parts." Al: " Jack. We'd compete at everything....He'd set a record. I'd set a record. He'd pass a gall stone. I married you." Edna: " Peg, whatever happened to that gorgeous hunk you were sporting around town, Todd < whatever >?" Peg: " I thought I could do better. I was wrong." Al: " Hi, Edna. You don't look a day over a thousand. How do you do it?" Peg: " Just ignore him. Just like success has." Connie: " Did you hear the good news? I'm gonna be reunion queen." Peg: " You're wrong. Much like how you think that women don't need to wear deodorant." Episode 319: Bundy's get a computer ----------------------------------- Al: " Computers and women are ruining the country" Peg: " They're quite similar. You can't turn on either." Al: " I'm not interested in either one." Peg: " The question is: How can a man get his slippers to smell worse than his feet.'" Al: " I sweat the sweat of the dead, Peg." Al: " The question is: 'Who will get my slippers.' Peg, you're untrainable. The kids don't care if I live or die. Maybe I can train Buck." Peg: " That's how we toilet trained the kids. Bud was 5 until he stopped getting excited every time he saw a tree...Well, that's what teachers and counserlors are for." Al: " Buck, let's pretend it's any normal day and I'm coming home from work. 'Kelly failed another test, Bbd's dealing 3 card Monty at the old folk's home and Peg's in Oprah coma. I just earned 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines.'" Bud: " Do you know what we need in this house?" Al: " Poison gas coming through the vents?" Peg: " He only thinks of himself." Peg: " Don't you want Bud to have everything that you never had: an education, a good job, a happy wife?" Al: " Peg, you can' tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in misery doesn't make you happy." Steve: " Al, I used to be just like you...Well, no just like you. I cared about personal hygeine and I had change for a dollar." Kelly: " If this is truly the end, I'm not walking him." Peg: " If daddy the dog is anything like daddy the man, he'll just grab a paper and lock himself in a tree." Al: " You'll dust for the computer but you won't dist for me or cook for me or listen to me." Peg: " Al, just don't sit there silent, say something about the computer." Kelly: " I have a book report due tomorrow in the subject with the words...what do you call it?" Al: " English?" Kelly: " Yea." Peg: " Let's face it. I didn't marry a happy man." Al: " Yes you did. You turned him into me." Episode 320: Shoe Lights ------------------------ Bud: " The day that I stoop low enough to date a mannequin is the day that I truly earn the name Bundy." Al: " Let's go back to yesterday. While taking out the trash, I triped, fell, and my head landed in the garbage. Normally, I just hang out there with my hopes and dreams." Kelly: " Kelly, go outside and see it it's a burglar. Kelly, taste this green meat and see if it's any good. Kelly, look stupid and and wear shoe lights. It's no wonder I seek the warmth of a stranger's arms." Bud: " Thanks for the help, bleached blanket bimbo." Kelly: " They may call me 'bimbo' but at least they call me." Al: " Ow!" Peg: " I was just checking to see if you're still alive. It's hard to know sometimes." Al: " There's a better way. Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't.'" Al: " I'm not going < to the shoe convention>. It's just another place to remind me of my failures: work, home..." Peg: " The bedroom." Al: " You're always there when I'm down." Al: " Who started the tradition that the guy who makes the least introduces the guy who makes the most?" Peg: " I don't know. It seems to energize the crowd against you and brgins them all together." Al: " Do you get a special bonus if I don't reach 50?" Al: " I'll just turn Kelly on." Bud: " Then won't you be needing some candy and $5." Kelly: " Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the girls that will go out with you. You're aiming to high: you know, a live girl. You have caviar taste and a pizza face." Episode 321: The Bundy's go to the Beach ---------------------------------------- Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful." Al: " You're gonna get worse !?" Steve: " Al, could you fo me a favor?" Al: " What? Grab one of you wife's legs and make a wish?" Bud: " Now I'm gonna find me a babe." Kelly: " You couldn't find a babe in a gynacologist's office." Fat Lady: " You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan." Al: " You're asking alot of the sun." Girl: " Bud, there's a fly drowning in the oil on what will some day be your chest." Bud: " Hi, I'm Bud BonJovi. I'm looking for people to be in a rock video." Girl: " I'll do anyting to be in a rock video." Bud: " And so you shall." Lady: " Al, you look great. Do you work out?" Al: " I barely eat." Al: " I don't feel right about it. I don't want it to get out but I kinda like my family. Don't get me wrong. I'd say the same thing to my wife if she wanted sex." Steve: " My parents toyed with the idea of naming me 'Tiger' but then the yellow disappeared and they went with 'Steve.'" Episode 322: A Peeping-Tom is loose ----------------------------------- Peg: " Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can. < Al locks her in the basment > Peg: " When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a full minute." Fat/Ugly Lady: " I was peeped, too. It was horrible." Al: " And how was it for you?" Hot Babe: " Last night, he peeped me when I was changing." Al: " Can you show us what he saw?" Al: " Peg? Kids? Heaven! No wife, no kids, no pain: the way God intended. Now I'm truely alive." Peg: " Let's have sex." Al: " Wait, didn't we do it last month?" Peg: " Yea, but let's finish it. Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself. Take me on a 30 second ride to the moon." Peg: " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself." Al: " Remember, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave and, if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave." Peg: " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself." Marcie: " Peg, there's something disgusting going on in the neighborhood." Al: " See, Peg, now everybody knows." Marcie: " There I was in all my glory when the guy peeped me." Al: " Marcie, did they find the guy passed out in the bushes still twitching with fear. Just the thought of it gives me the heebee geebees." Steve: " The fat and unattractive have rights, too." Peg: " Nobody wants to peep me. Hold me, Al." Al: " Nobody wants to hold you, either." Peg: " I'm being peeped." Al: " It's an owl. He's seen you. He's spinning out of control. Now he's down. Peg, you've killed. Can we go to bed now.? Bud: " Kelly, tell dad Einstein's Theory of Relativity." Kelly: " Mom and dad are my relatives, therefore I am." Kelly: " From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior, and not just a name on the locker room wall." Al: " Bud, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being a dullard and all. But if Kelly doesn't graduate, she won't move out and daddy won't get his own room. And if daddy doesn't get his own room, he might just run amock starting in alphabetical order. Do you understand, BUD?" Steve: " I've got a problem. Since this peeping thing started Marcie won't let me touch her. We haven't had sex in 5 days." Al: " It could be worse. I've had sex with mine for 5 straight days." Steve: " Well, I like having sex with my wife. If it wasn't for sex, I might as well live with my mother and be happy. At least I'd get breakfast in bed." Al: " Really, my mmom would just light me a Lucky and send me off to school...This peeping thing has got to stop. I can't go on having sex with my wife." Steve: " And I can't go on having sex without mine." Episode 401: Labor Day barbecue ------------------------------- Steve: " This is the best burger I've ever had. What's your secret, Al?" Al: " Well, I sneak down to the nudie bar once or twice a week to make it through life." Kelly: " Is this how I'm gonna spend my Labor Day. Between my mother and a pizza with everything" Bud: " The holiday got you down, Kel? Just pretend it's any other day. Get up on the table & mom and I will put dollars down your dress." Peg: " Don't believe everything Rev. Fultcher says from the pulpit." Al: " We can't do something you want. It isn't leech day, that's Christmas. it isn't parasite day, that's mother's day." Kelly: " I can't wait 'til I have kids so I can tell them what to do." Bud: " And when the ask who their dad is you can play 'spin the father.'" Al: " We've been married 17 years. Can't we just be friends?" Peg: " I don't like you. I just want to have sex with you. You said when you were rested. And the way you do it, it's like resting anyway." Al: " It should be a happy day. Not fighting, arguing, and have sex with our partners." Peg: " Kids, I wish you could've seen your dad before all this" Al: " As I recall, they almost did." Episode 402: Peg vs Jim Jupiter ------------------------------- Jim: " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago" Al: " Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth" Bud: " He wouldn't want to stay in Kelly's room and listen to the sailors coming in and out all night." Kelly: " He wouldn't want to stay in Bud's room and listen to him whisper 'I Love You' to his hand all night." Al: " I'm hungry, any food?" Peg: " There's a 6-pack in the frig." Al: " I'd like to have something to wash it down. Peg, why don't you pop this chicken into the oven...oh, sorry Marcie, it's an honest mistake." Marcie: " I've known him for 4 years and I've never seen him dry." Peg: " You've never had sex with him." Al: " I'm a man and a man's home is his coffin." Al: " If you want to bend, dust. If you want to reach, sweep. And if you want sex, let me know and I'll come back when you're done." Peg: " I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with." Peg: " I've killed the healthiest man in Chicago." Al: " You're killing me & you don't seem to care." Peg: " You're different. You've been as good as dead for years." Episode 403: Al & Steve take neighborhood boys camping ------------------------------------------------------ Bud: " That's the dress you wore for your date last night. It's amazing how it keeps its shape in the glove compartment of a car." Kelly: " You need money for a ticket, too." Bud: " Oh, contrair, boy-go-round." Al: " I'd rather slam my nose in a door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I'd rather watch Rosanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping." Boy: " But you're not the great grandson of Daniel Bundy." Steve: " That's true. my ancestors could read and write." Al: " I'll give this note to Buck. He'll run home and we'll be saved." Bud: " Do you think he can do it?" Al: " Of course he can. I've dropped him off on every part of town and he always finds his way home." Boy: " I want my mommy!" Al: " So does your dad's brother." Bud: " Use you wits." Kelly: " I am." Bud: " No, wits, with a 'W.'" Kelly: " Mommy, he's spelling at me again." Al: " Kids, gather round the flashlight. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a young boy. This boy had hope. He was single, thus he was happy. One night, a night much like tonight, it rose from the swamp with a sound "Thump...thump... thump." He saw it by the light of a bar: the evil red headed, high heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others. But nothing could stop it. He heard it call "Honey." It traped him. Opened it's mouth, buried it's fangs and said "marry me." Boy: " Did he marry it?" Al: " Yes, he did." Al: " Wherever man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll < women > come-a-creepin' and they can't be stoped." Al: " When we get out of this, what have we learned?" Boy 1: " Never marry." Al: " Yes, no matter how noce they are now. Remember women will get..." Boy 1: " Older." Boy 2: " Meaner." Bud: " Fatter." Peg: " Kelly, can't your dates honk the horn like everyone else?" Episode 404: Al goes to the dentist ----------------------------------- Al: < at front door >"Ah, home sweet hell." Guy: " Hey, Bundy, I'm having steak tonight. What are you having?" Al: " If I was the milkman, I'd be having your wife." Peg: "Oh geez, the idiot'll be home soon... Oh, Hi, idiot." Al: " In the privacy of our own home, could you call me Mr. Idiot." Peg: " What were you saying, Al? I wasn't listening." Al: " Oh, nothing important...just something about being a man." Al: " I'm taking a poll." Kelly: " Where are we gonna put a pole?" Bud: " We could put it in your head so we can have a place to hang the sign that says 'Duh.'" Kelly: " Great, you won't let me get my nose pierced but you're gonna put a pole in my head." Al: "You sure you didn't have a one night stand with the Three Stooges." Peg: " I'm a one stooge woman." Al: " I'm taking a vote." Kelly: " I though you were taking a pole." Steve: " This is against the law, Al." Al: " So's dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife." Marcie: " I an not a chicken. I am not a chicken." Steve: " Marcie, don't get your feathers ruffled." Marcie: " I love the dentist. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth. Just when I can't take it no more, he says, 'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.'" Kelly: " Are you afraid of the dentist?" Al: " I'm a grown man so, of course, I'm deathly afraid." Al: " Thanks." Kelly: " What are daughters for." Al: " I don't know." Bud: " Kelly had a boy here last night." Kelly: " Well, Bud had a girl here last night." Peg: " Yea, like I'm going to believe that. Kelly, don't tell stories." Peg: " Al, you have an appointment with Marcie's dentist...here's the address and, if you need a loved one to pick you up, here's the bus schedule." Al: " Dr Plierson...What I need is a Dr Kill-A-Wife." Bud: " Dad, I had a girl here last night." Al: " Bud, I don't have time for your jokes." Al: " I was thinking, doctor. I don't eat. I have no reason to smile. So how about I let 'em drop out, mail 'em to you, you drill 'em and mail 'em back." Doctor: " I'll novacaine you up and have a few drinks and both of us won't feel a thing." Doctor: " Are you married, Al?" Al: " Look into these eyes." Al: " Calm down. I've found out that you can't live in the past... or the present or the future." Episode 405: Peg thinks Al is cheating -------------------------------------- Al: " Just 'cos I don't tell you I love you and I don't wanna spend time with you and that the sound of your voice makes me sick, don't think I'm cheating on you. You know what I say, why pay for milk when you've got the cow at home." Peg: " Oh, so --- so you like --- reverse it ?" Marcy: " It's called flipping it over. That way it gets cooked on both sides." Peg: " Ah. Gee, I wonder if that would work with pancakes. Oh Marcy, I can't belive it. I've taken the best years of Al's life and this is how he thanks me." Marcy: " Peggy, I really don't think Al's cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know and as far as his desirability, Al ranked below Alf. Which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband." Peg: " What if he's cheating on me?" Marcy: " Stand by your man -- in court. Take him for everything and get yourself a another man -- a real man." Al: " Talk all you want, Peg. Tonight's bowling night. I'm gonna have fun so I can't be with you." Peg: " The only time that Al loos at me is when he wants his beer bottle opened. Like his teeth aren't good enough. Episode 406: Fair Exchange -------------------------- Kelly: " At least I'll get to have a real sister, not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body." Evette: " I'm cold and tired. Where will I be sleeping?" Bud: " My room's upstairs. You'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed." Kelly: " That's 'cos he wets to the right." Al: " A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how to write a check." Episode 407: Peg Buys Tubro --------------------------- Peg: " I need something lucky to rub" Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky" Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women when they have us at home?" Al: " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari. Peg: " It doesn't matter for you, honey. You don't know how to drive." Brandi: " How much for the shoes?" Al: " They're on the house. After all, you've made it possible for Steve & I to have sex with our wives." Al: " What was I thinking when I said 'I do?" I already had sex with her. I didn't need that again." Episode 408: Dr. Shoe --------------------- Peg: " Hi, honey. How was your day?" Al: " I came home. How good could it have been." Peg: " Nobody's stupid enough to call a shoe hot line." Al: " In high school, everyone said no one's stupid enough to marry the big red head. But someone did, didn't they?" Al: " The opera ain't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep." Al: " We still owe $50,000. It's just to another bank. So I'll be broke and living in the gutter. Peg, will you still be there?" Peg: " Al, you know I'll never leave you." Al: " Then I truely have nothing." Al: " I won't roll over and play dead." Peg: " Save something for when we go to bed." Al: " No, my little thumb screw." Episode 409: Al gets a new car ------------------------------ Al: " Smell it kids...that's enough, you're using up all the new." Kelly: " There's not enough room the the back." Bud: " That could be because you're not lying down like usual." Kelly: " Dad, don't forget to check if they have rubber seats for his < Bud's > little problem." Peg: " I saw you coming down the street with the new car." Al: " Well, it pushes well but a little hard passing on the expressway." Peg: " Good choice, this is a much lighter car." Al: " I could almost pull this one." Al: " How long have I know you guys? 2, 3 hundred years. In that time, I've learned to do without a few things: a yacht, a fancy hime, love, respect, food. I accept that but I won't live another day without a carr that runs." Al: " Yep, one more payment and you're all mine." Kelly: " Hi, daddy. I saw you pushing your car. Doesn't it work?" Al: " Sure it does, honey. It was such a nice day, I didn't want to waste it sitting in the car like all those other people on the freeway." Bud: " Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?" Al: " Bud, you know you're starting to sound like your mother... Kelly, turn it on." Bud: " Dad, you might want to tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it." Al: " Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud. She's not an idiot... Use the key, honey." Al: " It's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning." Bud: " Hi, Mom." Peg: " Hi, Kelly." Kelly: " Hi, Mom." Peg: " Hi, Bud." Al: " Hi, Peg. And before you say 'hi' to the milkman, it's me." Peg: " I know. I have a nose." Al: " And finally, the fruits of my suffereing ." Kelly: " I thought we were the fruits of your suffering." Al: " No, you're the vegatables of my suffering...I buried this box so deep that even the devil herself, your mother, couldn't find it." Al: " I have a family announcement to make and, since I don't have a real family, I'll say it to you ." Episode 412 & 413: It's A Bundyful Life --------------------------------------- Al: " Christmas isn't a time for regret. That's what anniversaries are for." Peg: " Come open your present, Al." Al: " Where is it?" Peg: " It's me!" Al: " Peg, why'd you get me the same old thing I didn't play with last year?" Guardian Angel: " You're going to have to give me a few moments on this. I thought I came down here to save a human soul" Guardian Angel: " Don't worry Bundy, I checked this guy's future. According to this by the time he's 50 his stomach will be so ulcer ridden that ... Oh that's you" Al: " Bud, quick what's more important: Money or Love" Bud: " Money, Dad. I can always rent love" Al: " Well this was great! What do we do now go to the night I should have been conceived and watch my father invent the Condom!" Guardian Angel: " Well I failed Bundy, I was supposed to come down here to give you a reason to live. I can't think of one. I am depressed" Peg: " Yes I saved myself for marriage" Al: " Oh come on! The Football team retired her (Peg) jersey" Guardian Angel: " No Bundy, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it" Al: " Peg, you recognize me?" Peg: " Of course I do, Al. Why do you think I didn't help you up" Peg: " I knew it would pay to breast feed you (Bud) until you were 9" Episode 414: Gutter Cats' video ------------------------------- Al: " Marice just gave me an idea. Actually two. One, I want chicken tonight and, 2, I'm discontinuing your allowance." Kelly: " Get a job, me. God did not create this package to work." Bud: " He didn't mean it to be a serving tray at a biker's party, either." Bud: " The Gutter Cats are having auditions for rock video slut. Get into you sleasiest dress." Kelly: " Which one?" Bud: " The one dad calls your belt." Kelly: " What if I don't get the job? What if I'm not slutty enough?" Bud: " Not slutty enough? You've got 'tramp' written all over your face." Peg: " How about giving me $100 for sex, Al? That's $50 a minute." Al: " Peg, I forgot to tell you, it has to be something someone wants." Al: " Peg, you're qualified for many things: spirit squaher, hope dasher, age accelerator." Steve: " Man, look at what it looks like before you marry it." <...Still looking at TV> Steve: " Look at the blonde hanging all over the drummer like a coat. Boy, I'd like to give her a...oops, sorry Al, that's your daughter." Episode 415: Al sells Peg's Hair -------------------------------- Kelly: " How'd it go?" Bud: " Still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom." Al: " I'm selling the lawn furniture" Man: " How much do you want for it?" Al: " $10,000" Peg: " It cost $40, 15 years ago" Al: " So did you" Kelly: " Well, I passed math. French, too, and I'm not even taking it" Kelly: " They [men] have no repect for our hair. They only use it to pull us up, pull us down." Al: " I'll need toilet paper, 2-ply white, a harmonica, and a picture of mommy in case thoughts of escape cross my mind...Did you get me cigarettes, kids? It's for my new boyfriend, Bubba." Peg: " Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex, a 1/2 pack'll do ya" Kelly: " What's 'audited?'" Bud: " It's when the government takes all your money and throws you in jail." Kelly: " But, just dad ,right? Bud: " Yes." Kelly: " Then the hell with it." Bud: " Come on, dad. You got 2 more days 'til the audit." Al: " Why wait? I'm guilty. What's my defense? Your mother's an idiot. Besides, I deserve to be punished. I married your mother." Steve: " I want to be a rodeo clown. You know, something with the land. The thing is, hos do I tell Marcie?" Al: " Well now. Thats a thorny one, Steve. Let's say I give it some thought while I'm making my wedding vows in a prison chapel to a guy named 'Rock.'" Peg: " Why is everybody staring at me? I'm not the only one in this family with hair. Bud, what about you?" Bud: " Yea, right. I'd be quite the lady killer as a 15 year old bald kid with no money, Yul Bundy." Kelly: " Well, don't look at me. I've got finals coming up." Peg: " $5000! Oh, Al, that's more than we'd make if you did have an education." Al: " No bad for a guy stupid enough to marry you...Well, I'll go pay my taxes and then the only prison I'll be in is the one I created for myself." Episode 416: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 1 ------------------------------------------------- Bud: " The TV's gone." Kelly: " By the way, so is mom." Al: " Wait a minute, let's not gloss over this TV thing." Al: " Yes, officer, a description...Let me calm down. It's getting hard to talk. 19" diagonal, maple console, notches on the side where the kids grew up..." Bud: " Dad, what about mom?" Al: " Oh, yea, my wife's missing, too." Peg: " I need to do something new." Al: " That's easy. Next week try watching TV with your mouth closed." Peg: " I need a vacation." Al: " If you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Don't forget to take a picture by the refrigerator. You know, 'Ole Empty.'" Marcie: " God, I hate men." Al: " I thought you were man's best friend...Oh, that's a dog not a chicken." Peg: " Marcie, you don't need a man. What are they good for? They pick. They burp. They let one fly and then the sit there like they just won the Nobel prize. And once a month they roll over on you on the way to the bathroom and the call that lovin." Episode 417: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 2 ------------------------------------------------- Al: " I want you to fan out and if you find mommy, or something daddy likes a little better, give the Bundy yell." Bud: " I wanna die?" Al: " That's the one." Marcy: " Three dollars. Boy, they don't pay these federal agents anything." Bud: " Kelly, marry me. Damn the law!" Marcy: " Peggy, he hasn't moved for an hour." Peg: " Maybe he thinks he's having sex." Al: " If I was, you'd just come in and spoil it." Al: " No problem miss. Always ready to help a lady in distress and this dress and this dress and ..." Peg: " There is a way to win 10 000 dollars." Al: " What do I do, Peg? Sell everything I own 20 000 times?" Peg: " It's 10 000 dollars, Al." Al: " That's a dollar a pound." Episode 418: Polk High Homecoming --------------------------------- Kelly: " You're the only one for me.....Bud, what are you doing? Can't you see that I was working." Kelly: " The prostitution rests." Bud: " Phase 1 is now complete." Kelly: " What's phase 2? You touch her on the knee and cry." Bud: " Not quite, she whose head is never seen in a car." Al: " Peg, I was thinking. Maybe I should take a print of your backside. So, if the couch is ever stolen, the police can match the prints to on of the cushions." Bud: " Dad, when you were in school, did some girl do something to you so bad that it ruined your life." Al: " Yes, and you call that girl 'mom' now." Peg: " I found your athletic supporter. Let's see 'XS.' It must stand for 'extra snug.' Should I write 'front' and 'back' on it like I do you underwear?" Al: " While we're writing on each other's underwear, give me a pair of your's so I can draw a skull and crossbones on it." Al: "...Sure women like football before you marry 'em. But afterwards, the only hike you see is them hicking up their pants before they weld their backsides to the couch... and talking about flying wench, let's talk about my mother-in- law. People overuse the term 'as big as the planet' but try to imagine everybody you know under one mumu..." Episode 419: Weather Bunny -------------------------- Peg: " What would you like to start with?" Al: " Something light. The gas bill...Pen..Bromo...Morgage...Pepto... Dept Store < very big bill >...Shotgun < as he looks at Peg>." Peg: " Can't we go any faster? Let's pretend we're upstairs. I know, I'll yell 'not yet,' that always seems to speed you up." Kelly: " They're gonna make me work nights." Bud: " So come dawn, when we're wondering where you are, we'll just check the TV instead of the bushes." Kelly: " Go dance alone in your underwear." Peg: " Al, the kids are arguing again. Will you talk to them?" Al: " Talking to them won't make them go away." Peg: " Um, graduation. Kelly, maybe it's time we had a little talk. You're getting to be a big girl now. There's something I've put off telling you for a while but time is slipping by fast. I don't want you to learn it in the streets. Honey, there's a thing that men will want you to do. In fact, they'll expect it. Now, no woman really enjoys it. But we do it, get them to marry us and never do it again. That horrible thing is called 'work.'" Kelly: " Hold me, mom. I'm scared." Peg: " But honey, the important thing is to do it early while you're still young. That way, when your husband comes home reeking of beer and wantin' some lovin,' you'll follow that fat rump upstairs because you know, no matter how disgusting the next 3 minutes will be, it sure beats the hell out of working." Kelly: " Mom, you're so wise." Peg: " You can't sit on the couch for 20 hours a day without learning something." Kelly: " I've got a job for $1000 a week." Peg: " We're rich." Bud: " She's finally turning pro." Peg: " Al, come brown nose with us." Al: " I think it's a terrible world where someone without a high school diploma makes more that someone important like a PhD or a shoe salesman." Al: " Bud, someday you'll marry some woman like the one killing dear old dad." Kelly: " Can I ask you a favor?" Al: " Kelly, you don't even have to ask. Peg, take the boy and the dog and get the hell out of here." Episode 420: Al tries to break the alley's record ------------------------------------------------- Al: " Al 'the King' Bundy will now do to your record, what time has done to your face." Puggy: " Still a long way to 256, Bundy." Al: " Not for your wife, Pucky." Al: " It's what keeps us from being happy. There's no point in fighting it. It's what separates us from the ordinary losers. They can have their moments, but not us. Never us." Kelly: " But mom is having a major moment now and she's a Bundy." Al: " She's not truly a Bundy. You see, your mother is just a Bundy by marriage. She's part of the curse. But we are blood Bundies. We are truly doomed." Al: " Bud, did you get your mom in the picture?" Bud: " Yea, dad." Al: " Rewind" Peg: " Just wait until I find out when your birthdays are!" Kelly: " Mine's in Februaru. I'm an aquarium!" Bud: " And an empty one." Peg: " I'm going out with my man tonight." Kelly: " Where should we tell dad you went?" Al: " I'm been training for weeks: avoiding anything that would burt me: red wine, red meat...red heads." Peg: " And those energy draining showers." Al: " Behind every successful man, there's a woman who didn't marry me." Peg: " Wouldn't it be great if I broke your record?" Al: " That would be the icing on the tomb stone." Peg: " We had a camera on our honeymoon but you kept beating the flash." Al: " If you remember, Peg, I was doing fine 'til you got there." Marcie: " Is there no limit to how low you'll stoop." Al: " I wouldn't kiss you on a bet." Episode 421: Peg gets high school diploma ----------------------------------------- Kelly's freind: " Hey, Kelly, wanna vandalize the cemetary tonight?" Kelly: " No, Lisa, that would be wrong." Kelly: " Can I get a tattoo?" Peg: " Didn't we have this discussion when you were 8? No tattoos above the waist for any member of this household. Can't we learn from Grandma's mistake? At her age with love and hate tattooed on her breasts. With those verbs hanging around her knees today." Peg: " It seems I failed one stupid little class: home economics." Kelly: " Gee, what a shock!" Teacher: " Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben < teacher's pet>?" Kelly: " Well, we both like boys." Al: " Anything for dinner, Peg?" Peg: " Get a wife!" Al: " Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed." Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie ---------------------------------------------- Kelly: " What's a simpleton?" Bud: " An idiot, moron, dolt, dullard, creaton. You know, someone a little smarter than you." Al: " For the first time, since the first time, I'm glad to see you in bed." Al: " Haven't we had enough sex in our lives? When does it get to be over?" Peg: " When you're officially dead...Now get on." Al: " Aren't my nightmares enough?" Episode 423: The Bundy's have a yard sale ----------------------------------------- Kelly: " Dad, do what mom says and marry someone with a job." Al: " My mom said to marry an anchor and cling to it as it sinks to the bottom." Al: " What've you got there?" Peg: " A boar's head." Al: " No, behind your back." Al: " I already have 3 leetches. What do I need a boar's head for?" Al: " I'm gonna do with it what I should've done with you right after our wedding: strap it to the hood of the car and take it back to the woods where it belongs." Al: " Peg, why do you have a boar's head?" Peg: " The glassy eyes, the stuffing for brains, nothing below the waist. Strap it to a toilet and it could be you." Al: " Unlike me, someone cared enough for it to put a bullet through its head." Marcie: " My mother would have a garage sale every summer. She'd sell everything including the training bra off my back." Al: " What were you? 25." Marcie: " 13 and making more money than you." Peg: " I can't believe you're selling my whole life's work." Al: " I'm not selling everythindg. I'm keeping my knotted bowls." Al: " I wanna be like him . Sure you eat the private parts of horses but when you go to the bathroom on the lawn they say you did good. Al: " Lawn sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. But there's 1 flaw in the system: soon you get to the biggest idiot and you call her mom." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: A bundy never wins." Bud: " No, it's a Bundy never eats." Kelly: " No, it's a Bundy never learns." Bud: " No, it's a Bundy never cares." Marcie: " I've got a date." Al: " They're probably selling parkas in hell now." Peg: " What's he like? Is he rich? Is he handsome?" Al: " Is he sighted?" Marcie: " My mistake was looking for a man to love when all I need is a man to hurt." Peg: " Are you gonna have sex with him? Al: " You heard her say she wanted to hurt him." Al: " Have I told you not to marry?" Bud: " Yea, dad" Al: " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?" Bud: " Yea, dad" Al: " Well, I guess I told you everything I know." Al: " It could be like one of those Wanker ho-downs, where everyone gathers 'round the still and plays 'spin the cousin'" Peg: " You're looking at a whole new Peggy" Al: " Yea, maybe this one won't find her way home" Peg: " I was down at the Friedman's garage sale. Do you know what thay said?" Al: " Why does your husband go on living?" Peg: " No one knows I'm married. They say all my stuff is junk." Al: " I told you that." Peg: " But they're strangers. I care what they think." Al: " We're broke and you're stupid and the 2 don't match. We don't need anything to be miserable, we've got each other." Marcie: " Yoo Hoo." Al: " See, Peg, this is why I tell you to lock the door." Episode 501: Al's dreams ------------------------ Peg: " Mom is gonna be really disappointed. You know ever since her dog Rusty died, the only comfort she has is peting your head till she falls asleep." Al: " I'm not a Labrador Retriever. And I never bought the fact that a full grown dog could accidentally wrap itself in bacon and fall in a microwave oven." Peg: " Oh what other explanations could there have been?" Al: " Well, maybe he could have told us if his mouth hadn't accidentally been toothpick shut." Peg: " You know I don't know, they find one flea collar in your bed and you're branded for life as a dog eater." Peg: " You gonna miss me honey?" Al: " Well I can't until you leave." Peg: " You know I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket." Al: " Now Kelly, we're gonna be spending a whole week together. You might hear a 'Yipee' or a 'Yow' from me. That doesn't mean I don't miss your mom. Just like changing the locks doesn't mean I don't want her back. Adults express their sadness in different ways. I express mine by doing the bump." Kelly: " Daddy, now we're gonna have a week for ourselves and I thought that it would be a good idea if we did something together, you know we never have." Al: " Well sure we did. On the day you were born I carried you from the hospital and ten years later we had ice cream and now, here we are." Kelly: " Okay, how about if we just talk?" Al: " Great. So how is school?" Kelly: " I'm outta school daddy." Al: " Good, great. So how old are you?" Kelly: " Well, going by the numbers of birthday parties that you've thrown for me, I'm 3." Al: " God how the years go by." Kelly: " You don't know much about me, do you?" Al: " Well, I do know that I carried you from the hospital the day you were born. I remember, because I accidentally left you on the top of the car. I was about to drive away, when I heard this sad little voice say 'Stop you're forgetting me'. So I get out, let your mother in and there you were." Kelly: " Oh daddy. I never felt so close to you. So this week let's make sure, that we never see each other. Okay?" Al: " I think this will bring us even closer together." Kelly: " See you next week. Bye dad." Kelly: " Daddy, I'm sick. Will you make me some toast?" Al: " Well Kelly, you were here all day. Couldn't you make some yourself?" Kelly: " No." Al: " You are your mothers daughter, aren't you? Would you mind telling me, why you couldn't make some?" Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because I'm sick and if I'd touch the bread, then I would get my germs on it and then I would be eating my own germs. Oh and another reason is, we don't have any bread." Al: " Well, if we don't have any bread, how can you expect me to make toast?...... Ah no. Why didn't you call me at the store, so I could pick some bread up on the way home?" Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because if I use the phone, then I would be getting germs on it and then I would be talking to my own germs. Come on, give me some bread daddy." Al: " Wait, I'm just waiting to hear something... ... Now I can go." Pizza Boy: " You owe me $7.50, plus a tip." Al: " I give you a tip......Doors are hard. Keep the change." Kelly: " I love you daddy. Do you love me?" Al: " Well. Love, hate. Look we're a family, what's the difference?" Al: " Kelly, go be sick in your room. daddy wants to watch topless-wrestling." Kelly: " No, you can't daddy, because tonight is the big music video countdown. It's the top 10,000 classic videos of 1989. Oh come on, watch with me maybe you'll see one of your favorites." Al: " Oh well, I really like the oldies. You know 'See me, touch me, feel me, marry me, kill me'." Al: " For the lack of one condom, an entire life was ruined." Kelly: " Daddy. I can't sleep." Al: " Well have you tried counting something, like the seconds you have left to live?" Kelly: " I want you to tell me a bedtime story. You know, like you never did when I was a child. Please?" Al: " It's not going to work." Kelly: " Pleeeeeeease?" Al: " Okay. It's not a happy story, it's a story of great sadness: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheere him. That was before the red thing appeared. Darkness fell on shoe-town. Who would take on the red beast? Who would battle it? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward -- or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lonely shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored four touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could have made something of his life...laid down and died. The End." Babe 1: " Aaaal." Al: " As in 'Al night long'?" Babe 1: " As in 'Al I want'!" Al: " Then, Al you shall have." Babe 2: " Honey I'm home. Al Hercules Bundy, who is this person?" Babe 1: " Who's this Alse?" Babe 2: " Well?" Babe 1: " Well?" Al: " Well, obviously I'm having a hell of a dream. Rather than go into an explanation which could take a while, why don't you two fight over me while I watch and take pictures. And the winner can have me first...and third and fifth..." Kelly: " God I feel great. I'm so glad I'm over with that cold. It was death. So how are you you today daddy?" Al: " I'm better. My fever is down to a 120." Kelly: " Well, I just want to thank you for taking care of me all week. That was very sweet of you daddy. And if there is anything you want, you just ask." Al: " Well, thank you honey. I could use maybe a little crust of..." Kelly: " Oops. I gotta go. Bye." Al: " No eat, no drink, no money have I not. Well, at least there is one thing they can't take away from me." Female voice: " Aaal, Al." Al: " Coming." Nurse: " It's enema time." Al: " Someone ring the bell. Oh God, I can't wake up." Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance ------------------------------------- Al: " When the going gets tough,the tough.. runs like a thief in the night!" Peg: " You know what they say in Wanker county." Al: " Nothing spells loving like marrying your cousin." Kelly: " The car's mine. I don't want to be standing on the corner again with guys hissing at me as they drive by." Al: " Sorry, pumpkin, we didn't know it was you." Al: "When you insult my wife, you don't insult me." Peg: " What did he say, Al?" Al: " Nothing I haven't said before." Al: " I've said we're broke before and you were brave about it and spent anyway but we're really broke this time. Peg, what can you do without?" Peg: " Apparently an orgasm.," Al: " Way to get one. Kelly, what can you do without?" Kelly: " I think we can all do without war." Al: " Don't you think you should've gained more than 5 pounds when you were pregnant now, Peg." Al: " I'm signing now, Lord. Please smite me before I get to the 'Y.'" Peg: " Another thing that you start that I have to finish." Bud: " All my friends are driving." Al: " If all your friends were getting married, would you?" Al: " Let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a wedding chapel." Al: " I was listening to the oldies station at 1500 watts so I couldn't hear the siren. Police cars today are equipped with rammers so he eased me into the guard rail. Lucky, the cop liked oldies so he beat me with his night stick to the tune of ' Hey, Jude.' Then he wrote me up 18 tickets including the one for bleeding on his pad." Peg: " You look like Tarzan if he were old and gay." Al: " If you were Jane, he would be." Al: " Insurance is like marriage. You pay & pay but you never get anything back." Judge: " Mr Bundy, would you please explain why your wife is wearing a neck brace when she wasn't involved in the accident." Peg: " Let me explain it, your honor. It's sex whiplash but it is accident realted. You see, when we were in bed, Al was thinking about the jillion dollars and just lost control. He caught me off guard. He moved." Peg: " Al, your Dodge, with the high blue book value of $70, sliced right through that Kraut car. It's times like these that I'm proud to be an American." Al: " Good, then it'll be your job to make sure that Old Glory is flying over our heads when we're in line for free cheese." Bud: " I somehow feel responsible." Al: " Come here, Bud. Let me choke you 'til you feel better." Kelly: " You're not mad at me, are you, daddy?" Al: " How many fists am I holding up?" Episode 504: Softball game -------------------------- Al: " Who's that with the backpack shaped like my wife?" Guy: " Your replacement." Al: " Good, now I can concentrate on my softball." Al: " You can't get rid of me. You need a unanimous vote. The best you could get is 6 to 3." Guy: " 7 to 2" Al: " Why, Peg?" Al: " Why can't we guys age gracefully like you gals. You put makeup on your face and you clean & jerk yourself into a bra. Then you put tights over your front and back belly and got to the store to flirt with the bag boy." Peg: " Al, when you were talking about women, you didn't mean me, did you?" Al: " I never do." Bud: " We got an ice pack on his head, a heat pack on his back, and a 6 pack down this throat." Peg: " How is he?" Bud: " Sore, brunk, and blue." Peg: " Just like the night we made you." Guy: " He bats .380, has a cannon for an arm, and runs like children from your husband." Kelly: " It can be unanimous or out loud. You're not getting rid of my daddy. Like I wrote in my 4th grade essay: Daddy good, sleepy now.'" Guy: " We still have a chance at the championship." Bud: " We don't care about winning. We're not gonna take hima away from the game he loves...plus he'll beat the living crap out of us." Episode 505: Peg goes dancing ----------------------------- Al: "Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's not a pizza" Al: "Look! It's Frosty No-Man" <== about Marcie Peg: " You know, I haven't done it in 2 years." Guy: " You haven't danced in 2 years?" Peg: " I haven't danced in 12 years." Bud: " I need $20 fast. Look what I have waiting for me." Al: " She's a tramp < Al hands over the $$ >" Peg: " Come dancing with me. Hold me like you used to." Al: " That was after a 6 pack and a dare." Peg: " It's getting harder and harder to fight off the guys." Al: " Whatever you do, don't feed him. That'll really hurt." Al: " Feed me or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain." Al: " You know what I want to do? I was looking in the newlyweds' window down the block. I wanna do what they wre doing." Peg: " You kinky devil." Al: " They were eating." Guy: " Your wife is seeing my husband." Al: " Let me get this straight, pardon the expression, my wife is seeing your husband." Guy: " Yes." Al: " You know you're a man." Guy: " Yes." Al: " You say your husband was dancing with my wife?" Guy: " Yes" Al: " Well, that's 3 guys that won't touch my wife. What's the problem?" Guy: " Before me, Andy had a woman." Al: " Before Peg, I had a woman, too." Episode 506: The Bundy Bounce ----------------------------- Al: " This's been the best two weeks of my life. The uncertainty is gone. Accepting your utter uselessness has freed me. Since I've been taking care of myself, the foods better, conversation is better and without sex, my hair is coming back!!" Peg: " It's not coming back honey, it's just growing up out of your nose...!" Bud: " I heard you that girls like to watch your weight. Care for a Bud Light?" Kelly: " I'm getting an idea! How about this: The neeeew .... what's the name of the stupid car?" Bud: " Kelly, why don't you just write it on your hand like you do your name!" Kelly: " Wait! Topeka! I have found it!!" Bud: " I ... I don't think you mean Topeka, Kel." Kelly: " Oh yeah, that's right, I ment...Urethra!!" Al: " Gee your honour, I don't know where that shotgun came from. Al: " Gee officer, if I thought my wife was missing, whould I be in this bar and drinking a beer ? Episode 507: Married With Aliens -------------------------------- Al: " Peg, 3 little greem aliens came in and stole my socks." Peg: " Were they greem before or after they stole your socks?" Peg: " Al? Al?... I guess he's not home." Marcie: " He can't be far. The stench of failure's still in the air." Episode 508: Al plants a garden ------------------------------- Kelly: " Work's a bummer. Luckily, I'm a pretty girl so I don't have to." Peg: " We're home now, honey. Remember? 2 kids, a dog, a bedroom upstairs where you disappoint your wife." Al: " The doctor said I should get a hobby: start a vegatable garden." Bud: " You started a vegatable garden when you had Kelly." Al: "Soon you'll be a cookin', a cleanin', and a servin' & I'll be a eatin', a belchin', and a purgin'." Al: " As Farmer Iggy says, 'Wife standin' near, soon comes a tear.'" Bud: " You've had the hose on for 4 hours and the ground's not even wet. Where's all the water going?" Al: " How should I know. I don't even know where it comes from. I just wish I could go with it." Al: " If dynomite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me." Episode 510: Kelly moves out ---------------------------- Kelly: " Go upstairs and 'Nick at Might' yourself to sleep. I need use of the couch." Bud: " I was here first. And do you remember the last time you and a victim used the couch? We had to defly it." Al: " In order to make a house a home, only one can make the rules and in this house.....the rules are made by the man." Al: " Threats don't work with me." Peg: "Nobody's rubbing my touchy." Al: " Because I've already been to hell." Peg: " My baby's gone. Hold me, Al." Al: " I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I hold you now?" Peg: " Can we have another child?" Al: " I'd rather jump off the Sears Tower and dive head first into a tack. I'd rather bait a crocodile with my manhood which, I believe, got me into trouble in the first place." Peg: " Bud, was I a good mother?" Bud: " You must've been. I was the only 8 month who could change his own diapers." Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money --------------------------------- Kelly: " Why do we have to X out the dead guy?" Bud: " Dad says it helps out at Christmas time. Never send presents to someone who won't send them back." Kelly: " Then why don't we X out mom and dad?" Bud: " Soon enough, Kel. Soon enough." Peg: " Then there's the 10 months of pregnancy." Marcie: " 10?" Peg: " Male Bundy's never want to come out. And once they do, they never wanna go back in." Peg: " Picture me in a pink teddy." Al: " I need some real incentive." Peg: " Picture yourself sitting in front of a big screen TV." Al: " 40 inch?" Peg: " I wish." Al: " I can't believe it. 2 weeks and she's not pregnant. It's like having two menial jobs." Kelly: " What if they do have another baby? What will that be for me?" Bud: " A tutor." Episode 512: Marcie marries Jefferson ------------------------------------- Peg: " Who would you rather spend the night with: A, your wife, or B..." Al: " B." Marcie: " I woke up with a man in the bed and I don't know who he is." Al: " That's easy. He slpet with you, he's the stupidest man on Earth." Bud: " We have enough to tell the neighbors." Kelly: " Sell the nieghbors." Bud: " Do you do nothing for free?" Al: " Run, run, run like the wind, runs like there's no tomorrow, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist but, the key word is, run." Jefferson: " Al, dod you now that there's a little rain cloud that hovers only over your house?" Al: " It showed up after the kids were born." Al: " I'm catering a wedding. I expect about 60 people so I need a couple pounds of cold cuts...ah, huh...and what kind of animal would that be?...ah, huh...12 cents a pound. That's pretty steep. Can you throw in some beaks and claws?" Episode 513: Cheese Cake ------------------------ Kelly: " What have we learned?" Buck: " That when you're frozen solid, you really don't think that much about sex." Episode 514: Kelly dates a 41 year old city official ---------------------------------------------------- Bud: " What bothers me is that you don't involve me in the family business anymore...I'm not Fredo. Kelly's Fredo... And I'm not letting you take me fishing." Kelly: " How come you don't believe I'm in love?" Al: " Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. We don't believe in love." Peg: " That's why our marriage works." Peg: " You're dating someone old enough to be my father." Al: " She's not dating Lincoln." Al: " What whould I do?" Peg: " You could lead the 'Failure Pride' parade atop a float made of meter maid shoes. Or is that getting in you business. Al: " White crosses, sunlight. Nothing works on you, does it?" Al: " I beeped, you know." Peg: " No, you didn't. You're always saying you did things when you didn't. And I'm not just talking about sex." Al: " Peg, when you married me was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?" Peg: " Either way, I missed." Al: " Home, work, can a man have too much fun?" Al: " Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?" Peg: " That could be Kelly with her new boyfriend. Take care of him quick, like you do me." Guy: " I'm an aldreman." Kelly: " That's a priest." Guy: " Actually, it's like a city councilman." Kelly: " Then why dod you want me to call you 'father?'" Peg: " To think, all along we thought that you'd be the success in the family. Boy, were we wrong.? Bud: " Maybe I should throw on a pair of Speedo's and parade around in front of Sandra Day O'Connor." Peg: " Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly is our favorite now." Kelly: " You could have thrown me for a fruit loop. But I guess the signs were there that he was married: The wedding ring, the diapers in the back seat of the station wagon and the late night calls from that crazy woman saying 'Stay away from my husband, you little tramp.'" Episode 515: A man's castle --------------------------- Bud: " You don't know what the guys say about me. They say: Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit, Bud, Bud, he'll touch no..." Al: " I don't wanna talk about you!" Al: " Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy." Al: " Bud, take your sister for a walk and don't tie her to a hydrant and go for a sode like last time. Just because she can't think doesn't mean she can't feel." Peg: " It would help for you to be seen with a pretty girl." Bud: " Yea, right, They'll just think I paid for her like everyone else." Al: " Take all your clothes off." Peg: " You finally want to do it?" Al: " Since I'm not going to eat, I need something to kill my appetite." Al: " You spent $2000 on decorating school. It must have been my fault, I didn't have to say 'I do.' I could've just taken one of your uncle's shotgun blasts in my back." Al: " Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But don't touch this house. I'm not a man happy with change." Peg: " That explains your job and your underwear." Kelly: " Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to eat?" Al: " Yes, and this time it's no pipe dream. I gave your mother some money, towed her car to the market, tied he hands to the cart and jump started her to the meat department. Soon we'll be eating dead animals from every race and religion." Peg: " The guy I fell in love with had an easy going spirit with a fast car. But he wouldn't marry me, so I ended up with you." Al: " Of course it's my fault. I didn't have to say 'I do.' I could've just take one of your uncle's shotgun blasts in the back and been done with it." Peg: " Then we wouldn't have had that great wedding reception where your father whispered in my ear 'If you like my son, I'm twice as fun.'" Al: " Yes, it is a room. It's in the name: Bath-room. It's from the Greek 'bathrockopolis ' : a quiet place away from the camels and women." Peg: " ...and when you flush it, it plays 'We've Only Just Begun.'" Al: " Peg, you know that's our wedding song. Everytime I hear it, my innards freeze solid." Episode 516: Al vs old High School Rival ---------------------------------------- Al: " I miss my bowl, Peg." Peg: " Oh, it's not you're fauly, honey...you're just groggy in the morning." Al: " Not that bowl, you whinning, ninny of a woman." Al: " Sure, I had glory but you had pie. I haven't eaten in 19 years. ...So excuse me if I don't cry for you, Argentina." Al: " You know that exercise place above the store with the sign '1/2 ton discount?' Well, they played 'Jump' and damned if the whole herd didn't. They came crashing down blocking out the sun. It was cellulite winter. Oh, the humungity." Al: " The shoe store decided to lay me off until repairs are made." Peg: " Can the economy take the hit?" Al: " Can you?" Al: " I'm born and bred to be a shoeman." Al: " Hut 1, Hut 2, I got the ball and went through the line like grandma through a herd of cattle." Peg: " Al, why don't you get a license plate that tells the world how YOU feel?" Al: " Because 'KILL ME' was taken by your father." Al: " Peg, you'll never believe what happened at work today." Peg: " Tongue caught in the shoe sizer again?" Al: " You civilians never realize what a sophisticated piece of equipment that is." Peg: " Al, surely you can see the humor in a man who makes nothing saying he lost his job." Bud: " Yea, it's like Kelly saying she lost her mind." Kelly: " I don't get it." Al: " I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit." Peg: " Please come back." Al: " You're worried, aren't you?" Peg: " Of course I'm worried. Tomorrow's garbage day. I'm not getting up early." Episode 517: Weenie Tots ------------------------ Al: " This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us." Peg: " Al, you ruined my day." Al: " Peg, it's your own fault. Stop asking me how you look in the morning." Al: " I bet the peanut is all warm and toasty insdie...... Lord, bless this M&M and the mighty cockraoch I slain in battle to get it." Al: " Peg, can we cut out the normal charade of me forbidding you and you ignoring me." Marcie: < to Jefferson >" Remember, you are a white collar criminal while he < Al > is a ring-around-the-collar criminal." Bud: " I was one of 5 Chicago area kids to be chosen to meet the President." Al: " Son, do me a favor. If you see the old white haired lady, she seems nice, ask her if she'll go back to the kitchen and cook something up for dear old dad...and, if you get the chance, steal some of the presidental toilet paper...I bet it's smooth." Al: " Peg, get me my checkbook." Peg: " Which one do you want? The joint account or the corporate account." Al: " I want the joint account: the one that says,'Mrs Peggy Bundy & the nameless shoe salesman." Peg: " At least they left off the 'witless' part." Al: " Nameless shoe salesman." Bud: " I could've ridden in Air Force One. I could've had a scholarship to Harvard. I could've played Nintendo with Dan Quayle in the war room." Al: " Congratulations, you just won a trip to Disney Fist." Peg: " We won! We won!" Al: " Where do you wanna go?" Peg: " Hawaii." Al: " Then I'll go to Europe." Episode 518: Al Tries to Remember a Song ---------------------------------------- Al: " What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the wife in the back yard." Bud: " Ah, the essence of 'Bring Em All On.' It must be Friday cos Saturday is the essence of 'Free Clinic.'" Bud: " You're testy. Could it not only be your date that's late?" Bud: " Kelly, you might as well hear it from someone who loves you. You're hagged out. Finished. Over. But keep your chins up, Kel. Guys'll still call you. They'll just call you 'Hey Waitress','Hey You','Hey Thief.'" Al: " Peg, except for the day before I met you, today is the happiest day of my life." Kelly: " If I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd still be dating my teachers." Al: " My family not being any help. That's something new." Peg: " Al, must we be the early round spit bucket in the early round knock out that is your life?" Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1 ------------------------------ < Peg cranks air conditioner > Al: " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it" Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls over and then asks what's on TV.... Well, it might be, I don't feel a thing." Kelly: " Mom, dad scared me." Peg: " He scares us all." Kelly: " An idiot can buy an air conditioner. I could buy an air conditioner." Peg: " I thought you were going to a discount store to but one of those Korean products with almost real names like ou Fridgea-door refrigerator." Al: " Well, my beauti-fool wife." Al: " Miss, you dropped something." Babe: " Thank you, market dweller." Kelly: " Daddy?" Al: " What?" Kelly: " Do you want something?" Al: " Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons......and a plucked chicken." Marcie: " I thought I smelles shoes. It's the VanderBundy's and their summer home." Al: " Peg, get the cart." Peg: " How do I work this thing?" Al: " The same thing you do with me. You get behind it and shove." Peg: " Al, do you think we did the right thing?" Al: " So, an old lady goes to jail, who gets hurt?" Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2 ------------------------------ Marcie: " This man cut in front of me. I should be the one millionth customer." Manager: " Did you cut in front of this woman." Al: " What woman?" Peg: " You get the food and the glory. All I get is to stand in front of this big hot thing." Al: " No, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing." Al: " We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heineys off." Peg: " You can do all this < build the cart of death > yet you can't get a better job." Al: " Research will show you that the majority of your instruments of death are from the zombie-like daydreams of shoe salesmen." Peg: " Can't you give him < the Beaver > a job at the shoe store?" Al: " That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you." Bud: " Why don't you team up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91?" Bud: " You know what you need to get your mind off this? A nice cool Bud." Al: " The only thing wrong with my checks is that they're post-dated, like your milk." Al: " That's my douche." Jefferson: " There's enough room in feminine hygiene for both of us. Let's shake on it." Al: " I'm blind and I smell like summer rain...Peg, where are you......Jefferson sprayed women's goo in my eyes and now I'm blind. He should take some home and spray it in his own eyes before he gets in bed with his wife . Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya gonna do? ----------------------------------- Al: "You mean that was you Bundifying that girl over there?" Bud: " Buck, you and I are alot alike." Buck: " No, I've had sex and at least I have the decency to die at 13." Bud: " Was it everything I told you it would be?" Girl: " No, but it was everything the other girls told me it would be." Al: "I spent three hours with you already. I watched you buy lingerie I wouldn't let you wear even it you weren't my wife." Marcie: " Why do you leave your front door open? A maniac can come in and kill you." Al: " Like I get what I want." Marcie: " I guess you were mistaken when you came over to borrow something and we told you to take what you wanted...which leads us to our flatware." Al: " I didn't steal your bra." Al: " We can watch it until they reach 30. Then we can watch Breast Monsters." Peg: " Oh, please! You don;t know how to capture breasts on this planet......He loves 'em, you know, but he doesn't know how to handle 'em. Sometimes, he'll grab my knee, squeeze it, and say,'Who's the king...Who's the king.'" I laugh so much that I almost loose my place in my book." Al: " In my defense, most things today orbit around her knees." Al: "How long is this movie? There isn't a woman under 50. About now, the Breast Gladiators would be battling with the liquid cheese but, geez, I'd be missing out on all this human feeling." Episode 521.5: Top of the Heap Pilot ------------------------------------ Al: " That TV got me through alot of tough times. I watched it conceiving my 2 kids. I had to put my fore arm in Peg's mouth so I could hear 'Get Smart.' I wised up for Bud. I put Peg's head next to the TV." Al: " Don't marry. It's only goor for the woman. They take your youth and your money. Then their butts get big. Then you die. And their butts get small again until the next guy comes along." Verducci: " Women today understand we don't want to goto sleep after sex...we have to." Al: " I was thinking. I don't have to goto sleep after sex. I want to. I welcome the darkness." Episode 522: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt 1 ------------------------------------------------------- Peg: " Hey, Al, these guys find me sexy." Al: " I would too, Peg, if I had whiskey for breakfast." Episode 523: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt 2 ------------------------------------------------------- Kelly: " Daddy, it's so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk." Al: " We've seen nuggets in this here mine as big as your mother's behind and, just like your mother's behind, it's there for the taking, if you're brave enough to reach out and grab it." Episode 524: Buck the Stud Dog ------------------------------ Peg: " Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?" Al: " I can't concentrate if you keep screaming instructions like that." Peg: " Not like that, you moron. Who taught you to do this anyway?" Kelly: " Did Buck and the female dog consumate?" Peg: " Not really. Buck got that confused look on his face like he didn't know what to do. I know that face well. If I've seen it once, I've seen it once every three months." Kelly: " Mom, dad, did Bud tell you yet < about her A in clas>?!" Al: " Not in so many words but we're not blind." Episode 601: Marcie & Peg are pregnant -------------------------------------- Al: " I'm gonna get myself a 'Big Boy's Ratchet Set' and go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school." Al: "Today is the first day of the end of your life." Al: " Soon my hounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, free...except for her ." Marcie: " How far along are you?" Peg: " 5 months...Al, didn't you notice I was getting fat?" Al: " Well, yes...That can't be, let me check my journal. 5 months ago, you say." Peg: " Isn't it a dream?" Al: " It better be. Let's see, 5 months ago. April, week 1: sold shoes, watched TV. April, week 2: sold shoes, watched TV, wept. April, week 3: sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out, drempt I fell in a washing machine, woke up feeling cheap...Peg!!!!" Kelly: " Why didn't you check your urges?" Bud: " Of all the blunders a middle-aged man with no income can make...You and your animal instincts...So, Mr. Sow-your- wild-oats-at-50, as if what you did wasn't bad enough but with our own mother for god's sake." Bud: "Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed." Bud: " Do you think it's safe for mom to have a baby at her age? What is she? A million?" Bud: " Look, it's Harry Hormone ." Peg: " I don't know about you but I'm horny as hell." Al: " So am I but you don't see me bothering you about it." Peg: " If you don't, it won't see you fail until you take it to work with you...come on Al." Al: " I don't know what turns me on more: the sexy failure talk or the baloney shrapnel hitting me in the face." Peg: " Are you as happy as me?" Al: " How could I be?" Peg: " It's your baby, too!" Al: " Oh, I thought you said heavy." Peg: " What should we name the baby?" Al: " The reaper." Peg: " We were talking about breast swell." Al" " Congrats, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping." Marcie: " Well, Al, you above anyone should know how much easier it is to lug small things around." Al: " What did I do?" Bud: " You still don't know, do you?" Al: " Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake." Al: " We could name it after my father." Peg: " I don't want to name him 'Town Drunk." Episode 602: Al & Jefferson are running away -------------------------------------------- Peg: " Al, I don't feel the fatherhood flowing through me." Al: " You may not have felt it but it's obviously there." Marice: " Tell us what goes through your mind when you sell a pair of shoes." Al: " I think 'Gee, who could be stupid enough to buy such a cheap thing but then someone knocked up my next door neighbor, so I think anything is possible." Al: " It's not because they didn't have a wave machine. It's because your parents were brother and sister." Peg: " That's not true. It's just that they started to look alike when mom'm hair fell out." Jefferson: " Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car that you've already wrecked." Jefferson: " Why are you running, Al?" Al: " Can you seriously look at me and ask that?" Jefferson: " Where are you going?" Al: " Where the shoemen run wild. Where there's never heard an impregnating word. And the hooters run free all day." Al: " He's already got one up on the others. He's already smarter than Kelly and closer to a woman than Bud will ever get. What a pair of losers." Al: " The gods are probably playing a cruel game of ' Can You Top This.' One said 'Let's make him a shoe salesman.' The next one said 'Let's give him a red head.' And then one god, probably a cruel hungover god, said 'I know. I know. Let's not let him eat yet never starve.'" Al: " I feel like Exxon: one spill and you're paying for it the rest of your life." Al: " You want to hear a sad story? My wife's pregnant and I think it's mine. The end." Episode 604: Kelly is a pool shark ---------------------------------- NOTE: Ed O'Neill puts on a great performance in this episode Kelly: " Dad, can I have $1000?" Al: " Get it from Bud. I just gave him a million." Kelly: " That's the story of my life: a dollar short and a week late." Peg: " I've got to go to the doctor. I want you to come with me." Al: " I never came with you before." Peg: " Don't get me started. I was talking about the doctor." Peg: " Why are you the father of my child?" Al: " You should have thought of that 5 months ago." Peg: " I thought you'd get suspicious is he showed any signs of promise." TV: " Stay tuned for our after-school special: 'I Drink Cos My Dad's a Shoesalesman'" Marcie: " Jefferson's been coming home late smelling of cigarettes and exotic beer. Where's he been?" Al: " If he comes home to you probably a bar with really ugly women." Al: " I've been running all over town selling blood to 9 blood banks." Jefferson: " But the human body only has 8 pints." Al: " That's what they say but the brain hides some." Al: " Failure was in my blood. Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore." Al: " The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet. Bud: " Dad, do you got a minute?" Al: " For you, Bud? No." Episode 605: Anti-Baby Meeting ------------------------------ Al: " We take a state no one's using, one they don't care about, say, Idaho, take all the preganant women, shove 'em in a donut truck and ship 'em off to Boise...We have Pregnaho, PMSachusetts, but where we're going is called Breast Virginia." Al: " This is what happens when we let Pregnasuars rule the Earth. We have one in our very house: The Great Red Pregzilla. Are we gonna let her se us with our legs in the air?" Bud: " I can't speak for Kelly but she won't see me that way." Al: " Demand 340..." Kelly: " Love and affection?" Al: " It has to be something we all want." Bud: " I want clean dry sheets...It gets humid in my room." Kelly: " Dancing with a rubber woman will do that to ya." Bud: " You must forgive Kel. She might wake up if you say 'I just got paid and I wanna get...'" Peg: " That's enough!" Bud: " I can no longer write down the insane ramblings of what used to be my mother. This baby is a curse to us all. Wait. I have to give 'Hail Baby'...There I've done it. I feel cheaper than I've ever felt and that's saying something." Marcie: " When I get back I want to strip him of every ounce of human dignity and you're the best." Al: " Yep, she's the best. She debased me." Episode 606: Buck won't eat --------------------------- Kelly: " Where does Dr Spock say that pregnant women can't feed anyone named Bud or Kelly?" Peg: " Page 15, I think." Kelly: " Hey, you can't pull that one over on us. Bud can read, you know." Al: " Remember when you could park on the street for free in this country? Am I the only one that senses our frredoms are being taken away? The freedom to park. The freedom not to fasten your seat belts. To not worry about having a working muffler. Back then,you could tell a man was coming by the black smoke belching from his American car as he tossed beer cans and french fry packages out the window. Now, how's a man supposed to have fun? By being with his family? I weep for this country." Peg: " That's very toughing, rub my feet." Al: " I wouldn't rub your feet if Aladin came out." Bud: " I think Buck's sick." Al: " What's wrong with my hairy man?" Peg: " We've been married 20 years and you're just starting to wonder about that." Bud: " Good, the Darcy's are here." Al: " Kids, take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials." Peg: " Rub my belly." Marcie: " Rub my belly." Jefferson: " Rub my belly." Al: " Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt." Peg: " Al, how come you're feet aren't swollen and you never complain about your breasts?" Kelly: " Yea, dad, tell us." Al: " Peg, if you don't have them, they can't hurt. Tell them Marcie." Cousin Effie: " There's nothin' but sin in the city anyways. I say if you're gonna gyrate naked on tables for money, you should do it for the family." Bud: " It's no use. It can't be the dog food. Dad's been gobbling it down for days and he's healthier than ever." Episode 607: Al gets glasses ---------------------------- Al: " People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should not have 20/20 vision." Al: " Does it occur to anyone that I read 'Bridge Ends Here' just fine and just floored it?" Bud: " Who is on the cover?" Al: " Raymond Burr." Bud: " That's Delta Burke." Al: " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, tell me I'm the first one to make that mistake." Al: " There he is, Raymond Burr." Kelly: " That's Delta Burke." Al: " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, city of Seattle, it's all the same." Kelly: " I've got something that will cheer you up." Bud: " What, you make customer of the week again at the free clinic?" Al: " I'm going out and take in some of the beauty that out fair city has to offer...I'll be at the nudie bar." Al: " What the hell is this?" Bud: " That's mom." Al: " I didn't ask for all this!" Al: " I may not see too well. I may kill a few people and run into a river or two but it's better than looking stupid." Bud: " Dad's not old. He can still do everything he did when he was young. Look at him sitting there. Just like when we were little." Al: " Everyday at 3:00 I see this girl that works down at the Aerobics store. She flirts with me. I flirt with her. It's nothing but it gets you through the day. I always thought she was pretty but today I saw here and she's 40. 40. I mean, she's old." Kelly: " Dad, you're over 40." Al: " But I'm a guy. That's totally different." Episode 608: God's Shoes ------------------------ Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse and I was able to grease my thumb and escape." Kelly: " How do you feel, daddy." Al: " Like any man that fell 2 stories and landed on hid head: grateful not to be with your mom." Al: " Why didn't you dial 911?" Kelly: " I couldn't remember the number." Bud: " Maybe we can get you a gig going 'Coocoo (?) for Coconuts.'" Al: " Thou shall have shoes with toes stitched in. Thou shall have socks attached to the shoes. Thou shall have other things coming forthwith." Marcie: " This is what you booked him on?" Jefferson: " Every time I called Oprah, it seemed to be lunch." Kelly: " The shoe thing is silly but not any more silly than the pet rock, the mood ring, and NBC's Sunday night lineup." Jefferson: " He's really been up there for 40 days and 40 nights?" Bud: " Actually, 40 days and 39 nights. He took a break to watch 'Planet of the D-Cups.'" Episode 609: Kelly's TV show, PT 1 ---------------------------------- Kelly: " My whole modelling class went to the public access channel for out poise and personality test." Bud: " What did you do? Spin 2 diaphrams on your fingers and sing 'Somewhere in the Night?'" Bud: " It's almost time for Kelly's show on public acess TV." Al: " That won't bring any more shame onto the family." Bud: " What do you think she'll do? Have a scholarly discussion of Ezra Pound's poetry or get her hair stuck in her mouth and chase it like a dog chases it's tail." Episode 610: Kelly's TV show, PT 2 ---------------------------------- Al: " We have to say something nice to Kelly." Bud: " How about 'At least they didn't send the energizer bunny through the show.'"? Bud: " What's that guy that I haven't got?" Kelly: " Should I start above or below the waist?" Bud: " Why, just yesterday you said that when you were little you used to water things smarter than Kelly." Al: " Well, you were the one that said,'What's the difference between an elephant and Kelly? One's grey, has 4 legs and a trunk & the other's a moron." Al: < to TV exec >"Let's run it up the flag pole and see if it waves. This guy has fighting footwear. It's called Kung Shoe. Ok, let's throw it in the oven and see if it bakes. It's set in the 24th century. It's called Shoe Trek. Ok, let's throw it in the bedroom and see if Madonna sleeps with it.It doesn't have anything to do with shoes but I want to work personally with it.It's called Breasts." Guy: " I just don't feel it." Al: " It doesn't surprise me." Al: " There's something good that came out of all this. Nothing bad happened to me. It's possible that the Bundy cloud of failure has passed over me and onto my kids like I only dreamed possible." Episode 611: Al dreams of becomming a Private Eye ------------------------------------------------- Al: " Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes during sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job." Al: " One look at her beautiful thighs and I knew that I had to play this out 'til the bitter end or at least 'til I saw some hooters." Lady: " I don't have much to offer. How does $100 sound?" Al: " I'll pay it." Al: "Sit down and show me your tail...eh, tell me your tale." Al: " She had a set of curves like the Matterhorn (?). This time there were no Japanese tourists waiting in line ahead of me for a ride." Old Guy: " Who are you?" Al: " Your worst nightmare: a shoeman with a badge." Old Guy: " No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands." Al: " Pumpkin, if daddy gets the chair will you sit in his lap one more time." Al: " I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head or a bad burrito in your belly." Lady: " They'll put me away for 20 years. Will you wait for me?" Al: " What for, you'll be old." Peg: " I'll get some aspirin and we can sit hear and solve the case of the wife who's not getting any." Al: " Kids, Mom is she..." Bud: " repulsed by you?" Kelly: " disappointed financially and sexually by you?" Al: " No, I don't care about that. Is she pregnant?" Kids: " No." Al: " Marcie?" Kelly: " Is he crazy?" Bud: " He must be. He didn't ask about you." Episode 612: Shoe Groupie ------------------------- Peg: " 32 million dollars. That's a lot of money even split three ways." Kelly: " Aren't we forgetting someone?" Peg: " Of course, four ways. How could I forget Buck?" Bud: " I'll give some of mine to the unfortunate. The unfortunate babes that don't know what it's like to have a Bud in their hand." Kelly: " If anyone knew what that'd feel like, it'd be you." Kelly: " You shouldn't get a full share. You were left on the steps by trolls." Bud: " At least when the doctor smacked me when I was born, I cried instead of saying,' OOH, do it again.'" Kelly: " Did I talk to the doctor?" Peg: " Of course not, you didn't learn to talk 'til you were 10." Kelly: " Nothing for 12 weeks, is that some sort of record?" Peg: " Not for me." Al: " My child." Al: " My child." Al: " My God!" Al: " I've never cheated on you and if you think you're only a tad over 30 then I was only a tad drunk at our wedding." Fat Lady: " I want my money back. I've worn these shoes only once and they split at the sides." Al: " Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there's a 2 ton weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the bottom of your feet to give you added traction while you're pulling the ice wagon." Fat Lady: " You'll be hearing from my lawyers." Al: " Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?" Kelly: " This might just be the shoe groupie." Bud: " You're gonna make some man a good end table one day." Kelly: " They didn't have intercourse or anything like that." Bud: " He tickled her feet and then he ate her muffins." Peg: " It's not only sex. He's eating with her, too." Peg: " You can forget about having sex with me ever again." Al: " I already did." Al: " I can see why all of you think I'm cheating on my wife. After all, she did bear my kids." Al: " I should've done it. I should've eaten her muffins and, before I fell asleep, given her the best 30 seconds of her life." Al: " This is a sex free house and, if I have any say about it, it'll stay that way." Peg: " Al, this is the 3rd day in a row you've come home happy. I just had a physical and I'm fine. So what are you so happy about?" Al: " What if I said I've come to grips with my job and I've come to appreciate what the 3 of you mean to my life?" Peg: " We'd say you were lying." Al: " And you'd be right." Bud: " Well, Kel. I think we can go home now. The only person dad's cheating on mom with is death." Peg: " Do you want to explain yourself?" Al: " Well, I lef high school, lost the will to live, and here I am." Al: " Listen, Peg. If I was ever going to leave you it wouldn't be for another woman. I don't want another woman. I wouldn't mind having another TV, though. You know what I'd really like? One of those picture in a picture jobs. Sometimes they've got a game on and at the same time they got a good hooter movie. Flipping between the channels gets me kinda anxious." Episode 613: Al makes a will ---------------------------- Al: " I'm 45. I've lived, I've loved and then I even married." Al: "Do you remember the name of the cheerleader I liked before I got drunk and woke up married to you?" Sandy: " Do you like what you see?" Al: " I don't know. I haven't taken it all in yet." Al: " You know I only dance if I'm gonna get some sex for it." Al: "That sure opened an ugly door" Girl: " Remember our song? Dance with me if it comes on." Al: " Only if it comes on." Al: " Good one, God." Peg: " Thank's for taking us with you, Al." Kelly: " Can we do this again?" Al: " Well it's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner leaves the door unlocked." Guy: " Don't push it, Bundy. There's laws in this state against stealing, not to mention overlowing a dead man's toilet." Al: " My mistake was looking in the present. I should look in the past, Pre-Peg. I'll give my #33 jersey to Peggy. That's how old she'll tell her next husband she is. I'll give my MVP trophy to Kelly to go along with hers. Though I wonder how she got an MVP trophy never having played the game...I'll give my game ball to Bud, the carrier and the future of the Bundy seed and, by the way it looks, the last." Jefferson: " Do you want to go out for a drink?" Al: " Later, after you've left." Marcie: " You just spent 25 cents to get a football worth 10 cents to give to your son. I just have one more question." Al: " The part with the cups goes in front." Al: " I need to find a girl who I gave a football to that I scores 4 touchdowns with...Yes, my name's Al Bundy!?...Polk High, yes!?... Yes, I do have a problem with foot odor!?...Peg, get off the other phone." Al: " Bud, this ball means everything to me. Not that you and what's her name and what's her name haven't brought me great joy." Al: " I went through hell to get this ball but it was worth it because I'm going to leave you, my only begotten son, my Joe Nuxall baseball card." Bud: " What about your football?" Al: " My football? Are you insane? I'm going to leave this to the only one I truly love, me." Episode 614: Ethical Dilemma ---------------------------- Al: " They must have had a good game of 'pin the tail on the shoesaleman' in heaven today. This middle aged woman came into the store wearing a blossom hat for the 'I'm just a cute little thing of 43' look. She was looking for something to wear to a Crosby-Stills-Nash reunion concert so I recommended a recycable paper bag to put on her head to save the Earth two ways. She maced me but, as I lashed out blindly, I think I clipped some teeth. She'll be gumming the words to 'Teach the Children.'" Peg: " I've invited the Darcy's over to play 'Ethical Dilemma.'" Al: " I don't want to spend the night with two people I can't stand & Jefferson." Al: " It gets better each time as long as it's with the same woman." Jefferson: " Will it always be like this, Al?" Al: " I will be just like this except we'll be wearing Depends Undergarments." Peg: " That's not your feminine side." Al: " My feminine side is on the couch watching Oprah. Occasionally pushing aside a breast to scratch a knee." Kelly: " Let's have a boy to girl talk. Pretend you're the boy." Bud: " Should I take a number and get in line behind the 27 sailors?" Jefferson: " Al's not moving his thimble down the road to sexual intimacy." Peg: " Geez, that's a first." Jefferson: " I'm trying to win but I keep landing on 'Date a Kennedy -- Loose a turn.'" Peg: " Guess what we're going to do tonight." Al: " Get naked and try to figure out where out interesting parts used to be." Bud: " Dad, I'm hurt." Al: " That's what happens when you lay the Bundy on someone. It's the result of 30 seconds of wild abandon." Bud: " I'm through with women." Al: " What? Did you get married?" Bud: " Geez, Kel, it's 7 o'clock. Shouldn't you be chained to a radiator by now?" Babe: " B, thank you for not hurting my dad." Bud: " From the fetal position, I can kill in 3 different ways." Bud: " I already know about women, Kel." Kelly: " There's more to us than 'Inflate until feet are puffed up.'" Episode 615: Zeus Shoes ----------------------- Bud: " Mom, we're starving." Peg: " Why are you looking at me? Do I look like Sally Struthers?" Al: " You don't get it. do you?" Peg: " You should know that better than anyone else." Marcie: " Peg, have you seen these blue disks for the toilet. It's perfect for Al besides a 6 foot wide toilet with high walls for the problem aimer......So now, unlike your career, you have something to shoot for." Kelly: " Can I teach her stats?" Bud: " Go ahead." Kelly: " Well, there's Alaska, Alabama, Brazil, and the 2 Georgia's: North and South." Episode 616: Bud turns 18 ------------------------- Al: " Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife" Al: " I'm giving you six bucks. You'll be tempted to spend it all on the first girl. Don't do it. Six dollars is too much to spend on any girl." Buck: " I hope it was as good for whatever it was as it was for me. What do I care? I got mine." Al: " Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. The Dept. of Juvenile Corrections bussed some kids over to the the shoe store to see me work. The guards made 'em watch for for 3 hours. Even the most hardened criminals were in tears. It's a new program called 'Scared Rich.' Who's going to be the last straw today?" Peg: " Allllllllll!" Al: " What a suprise?" Al: " Through the generations, male Bundy's and looking at hooters that don't belong to them go hand in hand." Al: " You're first bar room fight, like every male Bundy before him. How do you feel?" Bud: " Great, but what do we tell mom?" Al: " You're a man now. You look her straight in the eye and tell her we were stuck in traffic." Episode 617: The Egg and I -------------------------- Kelly: " Is something bothering daddy?" Peg: " He's just preparing to do his taxes." Al: " Look at the size of this bill. They're is trying to take away everything I've earned over the years." Peg: " No, Al!" Al: " Yes. $44." Steve: " This bird is as rare to this country as soap is to you all < Bundy's >." Marcie: " I wouldn't crawl to you if I had a date with Mel Gibson and you had the last diaphram on earth." Marcie: " You're not god's gift to women." Steve: " Oh, yea. Tell that to the burly Earth-first babes who come out to the woods every spring for the baby moose of lovin'. They may not shave like you and I but they sure can fill out a flannel shirt, I tell ya." Steve: " None of you could tell me she was married." Peg: " We don't like to use the 'M-word' in front of the kids." Al: " Let me tell you something. I served my country. I played high school football. 4 touchdowns on one game. Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes. Now, is this any way America should treat it's heroes. Now you just flash that badge to some registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys. We hate cops." Peg: " We're Bundys. We don't call cops. People call them on us." <$10,000 reward for Steve> Al: " Is $10,000 worth more to us than a friend?" Peg: " Damn, right...Al, this is $10,000. Now, I know in the shoe business, $10,000 is like big foot. People claim to have seen it but nobody's actually layed their hands on it." Kelly: " You know. I've lived here all my life and I never knew our bush could talk." Bud: " Well, Kel. I'm sure our bushes felt the same about you." Episode 618: Madame Zelda ------------------------- Al: " Oh, mighty one who created the heavens and the earth...and you who created my wife and kids, why does thou curse me with a TV yet no TV guide?" Al: " I have a woman so lame that she thinks that when I groan in bed that it has something to do with her. Bud wouldn't know the house was on fire if it wasn't on 'Nick At Nite.' And the only reason that Kelly has a head is to keep the rain out of her neck." Al: " I'm thinking of expansion." Jefferson: " What kind of expansion?" Al: " The kind where I keep my woman in ermine and pearls... and I won't forget you, Peg." Jefferson: " We should keep it simple. You're in & you're out. Just like sex." Al: " I am that cheese." Peg: " Alllll!" Al: " Here is the anchovy that no one will touch." Peg: " I have a gift. I've been touched." Al: " Not by me." Peg: " Al, you're meddling with powers which, like a woman's body, you know nothing about." Al: " Did you give the money to Madame Zelda?" Buck: " I used it for bail. Nobody told me it was impolite for humans, when they met a woman, to go up and sniff their butt." Peg: " I have 3 words for you 'We want in.'" Kelly: " What's the third?" Peg: " Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can with the first one." Jefferson: " Madame Inga has called the dark forces of Sweden out against you." Al: " What's going to happen to me? I wake up owning a Volvo?" Episode 619: Anthrax visits the Bundy's --------------------------------------- Bud: " Can I have a party?" Al : " I have my own problems to worry about. I have something terrible to do. Let's just say it involves your mother, our anniversary, and marking love to her until I shrivel up and die." Jefferson: " Do you want to tell me why you had your mouth around my exhaust pipe?" Al: " My wife wants me to make love to her." Peg: " Al, I want the whole enchilada. The whole 4 yards." Al: " That's 9 yards, Peg." Peg: " Do you really want me to get out the ruler?" Joey: " Oh,the desolation. It's almost empty except for a chia pet." Bud: " That's not a chia pet, it's meat loaf. There's mom's mystery pack...They're eating mom's mystery pack. Joey: " Wow, the colors." Charlie: " Is your lump moving?" Scott: " My hands are tingling." Joey: " It came out of the fridge, why is it hot?" Kelly: " They have to stay for six months. They ate mom's mystery pack and now the environmental protection agency had to put the house in quarantine." Bud: " I have a plan. Dad once told me of the old days when people would go up to the TV and turn it on." Kelly: " Get on!" Bud: " It just might work." Kelly: " Bud, 50 of your closest friends. Let's see. That's grandma and your stuffed animals." Bud: " Yea, and my favorite welfare mother." Bud: " Dad?" Al: " Go away." Bud: " It's not about money." Al: " Go away anyhow." Jefferson: " You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamderlin claimed to have made love to over 20,000 women." Al: " Yea, and not one of them was his wife." Bud: " Well, Kel. I guess as long as old men in hats pass out lollipops you'll do fine." Joey: " Let's get there early,you said. Let's be responsible for once, you said. That dog won't take a wiz on my guitar, you said." Scott: " I'm not so sure it was the dog, Mr 2 6-packs of Malt Liquor." Marcie: " I'm a woman." Dan: " Yea, he's popular. She's a genius. And we're glad to be here." Peg: " Al, it's our 20th anniversary and you give me a post card." Al: " Well, I read that the gift for the 20th anniversary is china. That's picture of China. What do you want from me? I could've got you a Chicago Bears mug with a fill up but I said, 'No, it's my wife's anniversary. Here's a nickel, give me the post card.' Happy anniversary, babe." Peg: " Al, you never get me anything good. For our 15th anniversary, you got me some motor oil." Al: " That motor oil's still in your car." Peg: " Well, this year I want something special." Al: " Oh, all right. How much?" Peg: " What I want won't cost you a thing. I want to be made love to." Al: " And you think that's not going to cost me anything?" Peg: " And I'm not just talking about sex, Al. I want to be made love to." Al: " What in sam hill does that mean?" Peg: " I want to be held. I want to be caressed.I want to be romanced." Al: " Peg, I've been secretly hiding $100. Let's just say we call it even?" Peg: " No. I want some romance in my life, Al. I'm not talking about the old 30 second crash and burn or the old 20 second bump and snore. And I really don't want the New Year's Eve 10-9-8-7-6-5-4 -3-2...Sorry better luck next year." Al: " Peg, if you have any fellings for me, don't make me make love to you...Peg, do you hate me that much?" Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench ----------------------------------------------------------------- Kelly: " If you're stupid and you know it, punch a nerd." Al: " I can't find the hole." Peg: " Don't you have enough things plugged in?" Al: " The only experience you have is with things that use batteries." Kelly: " Do you think I'm stupid?" Al: " Well...stupid's a relative term." Kelly: " You're a relative, that's why I'm asking you." Bud: " Remember Pig Parties in high school...well you're at one now." Kelly: " I don't believe you." Bud: " Let me show you." Kelly: " Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model." Guy 1: " Hi, I'm a Los Angelas public school teacher." Kelly: "I still don't believe you." Guy 2: " Hi, I'm a network executive." Kelly: " That doesn't prove a thing." Al: " I got everything right here " Peg: " You bought 'shower in a box?'" Al: " I couldn't afford it. Years ago I bought 'wife on a couch.'" Peg: " Hold me, Al. I want this moment to last forever." Al: " Don't worry. Every minute with you seems like forever." Al: " Where's the spirit of 'do it yourself?'" Peg: " It's alive and well in our bedroom." Bud: " Kelly, let me help you: Push in, pull out." Kelly: " How should I remember that?" Bud: " Push, unlike pull, begins with a 'p.'" Kelly: " Ahhh." Kelly: " I've got brains. I want to show the world that brains and good knockers go hand-in-hand." Episode 621: Bud Dates Teacher ------------------------------ < Ding Dong > Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I mean" Peg: " I'm afraid we do" Bud: " A strange thing happened to me at school today. My teacher, Miss McGowan, looked at me." Kelly: " Right at you? Is she OK? Bud: "Listen, craftmatic adjustable girl." Al: " Do you know why I wore ole number 33 in high school?" Bud: " Because all the money you ever had was 33 cents?" Al: " No, it's because that's how deep the line was to ride the Wild Bundy." Bud: " How do I choose?" Al: " Before they both leave you, choose one...< peg yells > but we don't always choose wisely." Bud: " What if I choose wrong?" Al: " You will." Al: " You cradle robber. You Cher. I know what you want, Miss Gabor. The great Bundy fortune. You take my son and have your way sexualy with him. Son, are you really going out with Prune face over here. How many young boys and happy homes have you wrecked in you 1000 years. I know my son's almost a virgin. I've called the proper authorities...< cops come in >...There she is, the strumpet with the blue hair. And she lied about her age, too. The last time she saw 40 was 1840." Bud: "It can't get worse." Al: " Oh, Bud, your mother needs tampons." Bud: " That did it...I must be dreaming. I know what will wake me up. I'll get up in front of the class and drop my pants and the embarassment will wake me up...< he drops pants > I dreampt I'm not wearing any underwear, too." Al: " An another thing...." < he sees Bud, shakes his head, throws up his arms and leaves> Kelly: " Daddy, do I have to watch this?" Al: " Yes, you do. As your father, when I find something of quality, I feel it's my responsibility to let me child reap the benefits. TV is not all trash." TV: "...Now back to Psycho Dad." Al: " This is why we must give to PBS." Peg: " The longer I stay sick, the longer it'll be until I do housework around here." Al: " Oh Gee, Peg. We can still have sex, can't we?" Bud: " Can I get a 'Woa, Bud is popular?'" Buck: " How about a 'Woa. Shoot the boy?'" Bud: " I hae a date." Kelly: " A date?...... Rev Fultcher, has hell frozen over? My brother has a date. Yes, Bud. Yes, I know church is the place to be at a time like this. I'm coming right over. Now, your's is the place with a big 'T' on top?" Bud: " I have two things that you don't have: a date and an ounce of pride." Al: " Bud, if you had an ounce of pride you wouldn't lie about having a date." Al: " Son, you've got plenty of time to date 40 year old women when you're 70. No, make that 35 when you're 80. That feels more right to me. That's what I want when I'm old: a drool nurse with luscious honkers, wiping my chin and shaking her hieny as she washes my dentures in the sink. That's what keeps me going." Episode 622: Kelly works at TV Land ----------------------------------- Al: " Let's look at my itinerary. Bundy World Tour '92. Day 1: arrive in New York courtesy of 'Escape from New York.' Then it's on to the nation's capital for 'Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.' Day 2:..." Peg: " Allllll." Al: " Peg, you're not allowed to 'Al.' There will be no 'al-ing' for my entire vacation. I am not here. Day 2: It's off to merry old England for 'British Babes need Discipline.'" Peg: " But, Alllllllll" Al: " Sorry, Peg, the captain has turned on the 'No Peg' sign" Peg: " What happened to Kelly?" Bud: " Her modeling schoold closed down. It seems they moved upstairs and most of the models couldn't find it anymore." Peg: " Poor Kelly. She must be crushed. She spent so much time learning the art of rapidly dressing and undressing again." Bud: " I don't think she learned that at modeling school, mom." Bud: " What if she does something rash...like think?" Bud: " Vengeance shall be mine" Kelly: " Then vengeance can't be a woman" Kid 1: " What was it like on Happy Days?" Jefferson: " I told you my name was Darcy" Kid 2: " Was that your name on the Love Boat?" < Ted McKinnley "Jefferson" was on the Love Boat > Kelly: " You know Bud, if you had another hand, you'd have a date for every night of the week" Kelly: " A fat woman was there today. She was wearing a mumu that covered what must have been 3 or 4 heines. Now, she could have either gone through a big door or a small turnstyle. Which does she choose? There was a line forming. Luckily, I got a tub of butter from the 'Delta Burke: Let's get fat' exhibit and greased her up. Then I went over to the Star trek exhibit, hot wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before." Tour Guide: " Do you kids have any questions for the verminator?" Bud: " Does the Verminator want to tell the kids in which backseat she'll be appearing tonight in case they want to further their education?" Kelly: "Don't do this to me, Bud." Tour Guide: " Any other questions?" Bud: " I see you wear a cape yet no underwear...Is that so you can more easily change into your alter ego: a mild mannered sex toy for the Navy?" Episode 623: Al works in a gas station -------------------------------------- Marcie: " Here's something you haven't heard from a woman in a while 'Fill Her Up' or do I have to confirm the rumors and tell you where to put the nozzle." Al: " Marriage leads to everything bad in life: work, kids, Habib shirts." Peg: " Mom called. She got on the scale and it said 380. She's been 374 since high school so she thinks she may be gettint fat." Al: " Maybe there's 6 pounds of foodstuck between her teeth." Peg: " How that woman loves you. Thank god she can't hear you." Al: " Thank god she can't eat me!" Al: " Oh, no you don't Bud. It's you're turn to be Habib." Babes: " Hi, we're the Swedish Bikini team. We're looking for guys named Habib." Ugly Woman: " Hi, we're the Chicago Bowling team. We're looking for guys named Al." Al: " We're no longer allowed at the zoo becuase of young Mr. Bundy who answered the question 'What happens when you feed a chimp pop rocks?'" Bud: " Well, I didn't point at the leopard and ask 'How many animals died for that coat?'" Kelly: " Well, I didn't drop my pants and moon the monkies." Bud: " Well, I didn't turn mom in." Kelly: " Well, I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom." Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1 ------------------------------- Fat Lady: " Are ye done with my horse?" Seamus Bundy: " I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and to hang a sign around his neck saying,' I'm with fatso.'" Fat Lady: " Your tongue is strong." Seamus Bundy: " Not as strong as yon seams in yon dress keeping yon belly off yon feet." Fat Lady: " You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower Uncton will be forever in darkness." Seamus Bundy: " What are you going to do? Float overhead." Bud: " I'm going to get me a handful of British babe. After years of drinking warm ale, they're gonna find out that nothing beats a Bud." Kelly: " Oh, don't forget that the inflatable babes blow up on the left side." Pilot: " Would the passenger in 24B please put his shoes back on. I'm choking up here." Peg: " Alllll" Al: " Oh please, the show the movie 'Dutch' and they say I stink." Jefferson: " I put all our traveller's checks in our luggage. I didn't want any unsightly bulges in my jacket." Marcie: " Soon, there won't be any in your pants, either." Peg: " This is 'Speaker's Square.' It's where people go to hear any idiot spout off about nothing." Al: " I hate women. I don't like 'em. You're English but even you can't like women. It's like when you're watching sports. That's the one time that they decide to plant their, what you call bums and ask you 'Remember when we were in that restaurant 18 years ago. Was the waitress pretty?'...I gotta go 'cos I see the wife coming. Now, I don't have a solution but could I get a 'Woo, I hate women?'" Crowd: " Woo, I hate women." Al: " Oh, am I alone in hating the French." Crowd: " No!" Al: " I though not." Jefferson: " I though Michael Caine was on the 5 pund note?" Marcie: " It's Queen Elizabeth." Jafferson: " Just my luck to run into the one person who could tell the difference." Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2 ------------------------------- Peg: < to Al >" You know, except for the kids and you being here, this is like a second honeymoon." Peg: " We're only Americans. Why's they run?" Al: " They must be French. It takes so little." Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3 ------------------------------- Peg: " They'll stop screaming when you lower your arms, most people do." Al: " ...They'll eat up your money. They'll kill your will to live. You've heard of them. But kids, just say no to marriage." Customs Officer: " Do you have anything to declare?" Peg: " Yes, my husbands an idiot." Bud: " I can't believe that my life depends on dad's ability to joust." Peg: " It's better than his ability to earn a living." Al: " What do they serve you in here?" Guy: " Bread and water." Al: " Then it's truly the best vacation I've ever had." Episode 701: The Bundy's Get a New Kid -------------------------------------- < Peg's cousins left > Al: " You let them go. That has to be the stupidest move in history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered the phone the day after we had sex." Episode 702: Kelly says NO -------------------------- Al: " Is it our anniversary again!" Peg: " No" Al: " Then why are you touching me?" Peg: " I'm tired of touching myself" Al: " I don't blame you" Peg: " We had plenty to talk about when we first met" Al: " Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was a lot of things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan, and did she actually see Deep Throat" Peg: " Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man with such big shoes have such a teeny, weeny, tiny, little... Al: " Peg!" Marcie: " Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think I can." Jefferson: " That's after four times of making her shake like a California quake" Marcie: " And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the Big One" Peg: " I'd settle for an after-shock...You should see Al...Oh snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Ground Hog's Day. Peeking out of its hole, seeing its shadow, getting scared and running away. Al: " It's not its shadow that it's scared of" Peg: " It's cute as the dickens, though. Al: " Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle" Episode 704: Al becomes a bartender ----------------------------------- Kelly: " What's the time?" Bud: " 3 o'clock." Kelly: " 3 AM or BM?" Bud: " Why would they call it BM if it stands for post meridian ? Sometimes I think I am the only person with brains on this remote planet called earth!" Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?" Al: " Normally, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers" Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?" Al: " It's when a woman marries and a man dies" Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair." Bud: " Well, you know what she says 'Bleach a cold, raise a beaver'" Kelly: " Help us" Marcie: " I can't. I'm a Republican." Peg: " Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's face it, we both know it's money." Episode 705: Peg wants sex -------------------------- Al: "You're down here? I must've drempt that you ran off with that dwarf and that I lived in sin with that playmate and her 8 roommates who can speak but choose not to." Peg: " Besides me, who would point out that your teeth have turned the same color of yellow as your underwear and that you have more hair in your nose than on your head?" Peg: " I want sex." Al: " So do I, but I don't drag you into it." Al: "Men have to do all the work. I'd love to just lie there and do nothing throw out the occasional 'Oh, Baby.'" Seven: " What's the difference between men and women.?" Al: " One works and the other's a woman." Peg: " Can you look at me in the eye and honestly tell me you don't want sex?" Al: " I can look at you anywhere and say that." Episode 706: Bud starts a fraternity ( Alpha Gonna Get Em) ----------------------------------------------------------- Al: " No, I don't regret not going to college, because then I might not have married you. And then what would have become of me? I probably would've spent a meaningless existence ordering pizza and hookers 'til I died with a slice of pizza in one hand and a greasy hooter in the other." Jefferson: " You just described what it was like at my fraternity." Al: " Oh, why do we have to go out, Peg? It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?" Bud: " It's my own special cologne. I call it 'A Touch of Bud.'" Kelly: " If anyone knows what 'A Touch of Bud' is, it must be you." <...Still deciding on a movie> Marcie: " Here's one. A story of a young Peruvian girl who gets a bicycle." Al: " Any hooters?" <...And they still can't decide> Al: " Boobies, boobies, boobies..." Al: " Oh, Hi, pumpkin." Kelly: " I haven't heard that since the one day my friend and I were walking down the street and this old guy in a Dodge drove by...Oh,Dad!!" Kelly: " Ha, double word score!" Seven: " NBC isn't a word." Kelly: " It's a word. It just isn't a network." Episode 707: Al leads a tax revolt ---------------------------------- Guy: " Car broken down again? No one to give you a ride?" Al: " I should've called your wife. She gives everyone a ride." Kelly: " I don't like to see him like this." Bud: " I don't like to see him happy, either." Al: " Marcie, do you drink? If you look at yourself in the mirror, you must." Al: " Kids, come down here. I've got something important to tell you." Kelly: " Finally, he's gonna tell me I'm not really his kid." Bud: " He's gonna tell me I'm not his kid." Kelly: " But you look just like him." Bud: " That was really low...Dad, who's our father?" Al: " Well, a thousand blood tests say it's me." Lady: " Is this your first time?" Bud: " Why does everyone look at me and assume I'm a virgin. Would a virgin know the names and last book read by every Playmate for the last 10 years? I know the female body like my hand...er, I mean like the back of my hand." Lady: " I mean, is this your first time voting." Bud: " Where do I go and what do I do with it?" Lady: " I bet you've asked that before." Lady: "Here honey, take a ballot. Hell, this is Chicago, take two." Al: " I'm not voting again. Just like marriage, no matter who you pick, it always turns out bad." Al: " Give me beer or give me death...or both. Let's pillage." News lady: " People should stay in and order pizza tonight. But if they go out, they should stay away from restaurants that begin with 'Cafe.' As if they need to be told, all Frenchmen should stay in hiding. They're leader is a balding man who says,' I sell shoes dammit and I'm stinking drunk.'" Episode 709: Old Aid -------------------- Peg: " Some man, or some men, are going to be happy to have you one day." Al: " Just think of it. We're partying with the geeaers of rock... speaking of geezers, Bud, where's your mother?" Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband." Peg: " You're who I think of when I ...clean behind the toilet." Peg: " Come on, Al. It'll be just like singing in the shower...if you sang...or showered." Episode 710: Al buys a funeral plot ----------------------------------- Al: " Look at the Duke. One of his finest films: 'I Shoot 'Em 'Cos They're Injuns.'" As a woman viewer, what's your opinion?" Kelly: " Daddy, I'd rather be reading. Does that tell you something?" Al: " That tells me you're a girl and your opinion means less to me than the dog's." Al: " Fuzzy McGee, he's still alive and he's still working. In fact, he just did a commercial for those adult diapers, 'Soak Ems.' You know, for those times when you just can't say 'Wooh.'" Al: " Peg, good news!" Peg: " They raise minimum wage for the bald?" Marcie: " Marriage is sacred. That's why I'm going to be buried next to my husband, Steve." Jefferson: " I'm you husband now. And we're not in bed, so there's no reason to call me Steve." Marcie: " Don't take it personally. Every woman screams 'Steve' while having sex." Jefferson: " Come with me Marcie and I'll rock the Steve right out of you." Marcie: " It works every time." Peg: " Al, why don't you rock me." Al: " 'Cos I'd rather stone you." Peg: " You men have no respect for the women that put you into the grave." Funeral Director: " You're planning you funeral early. Do you have some terminal disease?" Al: " Yes, marriage." Funeral Director: " Marriage does seem to prepare you for death." Funeral Director: " You people dying?" Kelly: " No, virings are always pale." Bud: " That explains the healthy hue on her." Peg: " Kids, do you think daddy should wear his wedding ring when he's dead." Al: " I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date." Peg: " This is your final resting place? There is no room for me." Al: " That's why they call it a resting place." Peg: " Just pretend we're in bed and let me take care of everyting." Episode 711: The Old College Try -------------------------------- Marcie: " What's that on your face? Have the big boys been rubbing your face in the dirt again?" Bud: " It's a beard. Surely you've seen one before in the mirror." Babe: " What's that on you face?" Bud: " How does it look with my checkbook?" Babe: " Oooh, sexy." Bud: " Yea, and I love you for mind." Marcie: " You can see your wife's ashes in 10 minutes." Old Guy: " They won't let me see my wife." Al: " Take a look at mine. That'll cure you." Guy: " Are you depositing the whole 10 cents?" Al: " Do I look japanese? I'd like 5 cents back please. Give it to me in ones." Al: " Me being a high school sports star. God, it must have been tough following in my shadow. Then that left time for the chicks, but your personality took care of that. Then you started bringing home report cards with straight A's. God, was I embarassed." Al: " That's low son....That's too low. All you'll see is kneecaps." Episode 713: Bud sleeps with cousin's Fiancee --------------------------------------------- Peg: " It just hangs there lifelessly" Al: " It's mine, Peg" Peg: " I'll straighten it out" Al: " It's too long" Peg: " Women like it long" Al: " I'm the one that's gotta lug it along" Kelly: " What did you do?" Bud: " A gentleman never tells. I had sex and I was good." Kelly: " Oh my God" Bud: " That's what she said twice" Kelly: " What, once when you undressed and once when you put your bunny slippers on?" Bud: " Save it for someone not getting any, like mom. Talk all you want, nothing can bring me down" Kelly: " You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's fiancee." Bud: " That did it." Peg: " Say you love me." Al: " I love beer and bowling. I don't want to cheapen the word." Peg: " This is a historical first. We're in the bedroom and I'm waiting for you to finish." Marcie: " How are these kids gonna know right from wrong. They need a man in their lives." Jefferson: " What are you gonna do? Move in with them." Al: " I'd look good in makeup. I'd be a killer looking babe in a masculine sort of way. I could highligh my eyes. They're my best quality. Baby blue. Just like Sinatra, Newman, the sea. Then there's my second best quality. I'm known for my killer butt." Peg: " yea, it has more hair on it than your head." Al: " It doesn't wake up looking at you in the morning." Peg: " What a lovely bride." Al: " Well, it looks like we have a while 'til the wedding." Marcie: " They need to be punished." Jefferson: " How about you sit them down and talk to them for a while. They'll never forget that." Peg: " Zip me up, Al." Al: " Why is it women buy clothes that fasten in the back so they need help. You don't hear men saying 'Hey, Fred. I need help with this zipper.'" Peg: " They're jsut saying 'Hey, Fred. Smell this. I don't need a shower, do I.'" Episode 714: Al's vacation -------------------------- Bud: " The hooters I'll be a juggling." Kelly: " Just don't hurt you hands on the staples." Seven: " I'm hungry." Bud: " Kelly's stupid. No one's helping her." Marice: " Jefferson didn't even see me slip out of bed this morning." Al: " Maybe he's still out cold after seeing you slip into bed last night." Al: "Girls, girls, girls. Who am I kidding? Seas hags..." Kelly: " I have a thought." Jefferson: " That's almost as funny as you begin good looking." Peg: " Al, I'm not proud of you. Why would I talk about you?" Marcie: " Oh, yea. Who said, 'What's the difference between Al Bundy and an egg? An egg takes 3 minutes to be done.'" Al: "...What creature would dare disturb him." Peg: " Alllll!" Al: " Why, the loon, of course." Al: " Look, Peg. It's the paper boy." Marcie: " Oh, shut up, shoe yeti. Peggy, you'll never guess what Jefferson did." Al: " Misunderstand your cries of 'Pluck me' to the butcher." Marcie: " It looks like you misunderstood the cries of 'Pluck me' to the barber." Marcie: " Even though Jefferson has a job, he still charges his lunches on my credit card. You should see the size of the tips he leaves the waitresses and you know what he said when I called him on it. 'Hey babe. I'm good looking.' That's his answer to everything." Al: " What's his answer to 'Hey, where you going with that little boy?'" Bud: " I curse you. I curse you to your worst mightmare: an eternity of being together...and you can't leave the bedroom...and grandma's there...and she's out of Depends." Kelly: " Mom, where's...um...what do we call him? Starts with an 'L.'" Bud: " Dad?" Kelly: " Yea." Episode 715: Kelly gets a Harley -------------------------------- Al: " I don't want to turn on men so I come to the expert. Peg, how do you not turn on me." Girl: " Good things come in small packages." Kelly: " Then you should have him turn around." Kelly: " I'm keeping my bike. It'll keep me young." Bud: " It's not a time machine." Kelly: " It's not your body, either, so keep your hands off it." Kelly: " You're right motorcycles are dangerous. Cars are much safer. I didn't feel anything when I hit you." Al: " God, for once I'm actually glad to be home." Al: " This tall brunette came into the store to buy a pair of size 12 pumps. She had a garter belt on and silk stockings like I like. Then she uncrossed her legs like in Basic Instinct. Peg: " Did you see it all?" Al: " Yes, it was a guy." Al: " Do you think I'm..." Peg: " Gay?" Al: " Just 'cos I was vaguely excited touching a man's leg and I don't want to touch you. No, I'm not worried about my sexuality." Al: " Do you think that she was a woman? Just 'cos she looks like one doesn't mean..." Bud: " Did you walk into the wrong nudie bar again?" Al: " How was I supposed to know what the song "Macho Man" meant. It had a good beat and I was dancing with it. I thought all the girls were in the bathroom. You know how they like to go to the bathroom together." Al: " How can I talk Kelly out of this ? She doesn't listen to me. I don't blame her; I'm an idiot. But I'm not gay, I'm sensitive. I should've had a cycle when I was young. I wouldn't have worn a helmet either. It doesn't take alot of brain capacity to babble "Size 9." Episode 717: Bud goes on a dating game -------------------------------------- Peg: " We haven't gone to bed together in over 10 years." Al: " We haven't had any kids on over 10 years. I must be doing something right." Peg: " That doesn;t mean you were doing something right back then." Al: " Peg, it's great how you neuter me this way." Al: " Oh my God, we've been up 'til dawn." Peg: "It's Saturday night. You know he's been in bed since 8 o'clock. He's probably asleep, go turn his flashlight out." Al: " I'm not reaching under his sheets." Peg: " Al, rub my heine" Al: " I'm not rubbing your heine if Robin Williams pops out and grants me three wishes." Peg: " Al, give him a high 5." Al: " If I could fake it that good, we'd be upstairs right now." Candi: " How would you create the perfect woman?" Bud: " You're the perfect woman and I'm the perfect man. So let's create the perfect Big-O." Peg: " You'regetting sleepy." Al: " Much like the rest of you, your eyelids are dropping more than mine." Episode 718: Mutiny on the Bundy -------------------------------- Cast: Al -- Capt Courage Peg -- Scarlet, the maiden Bud -- Flavio, a crewman Kelly -- Watchwoman Marcie -- Cabin boy/girl Jefferson -- Paco Steve -- Rubio the Cruel Yes, Steve made another appearance Peg: " Al, show me your jolly roger." Al: " My roger hasn't been jolly since our wedding night." Al: " How dare you bother me while I was perusing my copy of 'Sea going C-cups.'" Al: "One more word out of you and I'll make you walk the plank or, should I say, yourself." Episode 719: The Old Games -------------------------- Kelly: " How can you tell when it's done?" Bud: " When it's as bis as mom's hair, it's done." Kelly: " No one will have to yell 'head down' to you at a movie." Bud: " Like anyone's ever seen you head at a movie in 10 years." Al: " She didn't even ask for my driver's license." Peg: " You were standing next to a beautiful young babe." Kelly: " Who were you standing next to?" Al: " The red reaper." Bud: " I hope I don't lose my butt." Kelly: " You couldn't lose your butt in prison." Al: " If I'm going to apply for a senior discount card. I have to hide my sexuality." Peg: " How about a little round band-aid?" Kelly: " Was dad ever a great athlete?" Peg: " He once punched someone in the face, broke 4 tackles straight-armed a person and ran for daylight. He would still be running if my uncle didn't club him with the end of his shotgun and drag him back to the wedding." Al: " Nothing can stop me now." Peg: " Except maybe getting it in the cup during the drug testing." Kelly: " Well, at least I can say I've now been to a Dead concert." Kelly: " Dad's losing." Peg: " His hair, his teeth, the race. Be specific." Bud: "For once in you life, quit while you're behind." Al: " Stamina's my strong point." Peg: " Hah." Al: " Not with you. With you stamina's a bad thing. It prolongs the agony. I mean something that excites a man: sports." Al: " It's only cheating if you get caught." Judge: " 6 inches!" Peg: " Measure it again!" Episode 720: Al gets sued by burglar ------------------------------------ Peg: " Do you know what would really make me go to sleep?" Al: " Yes, I do. But I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian that quick." Al: " Once upon a time there was a lovely princess Peggy.She had everything: breeding, inbreeding, a fat mother...She met a bonny prince Al." Peg: " Were they happy?" Al: " No, not at first. But then she invited her 4 beautiful friends with luscious hooters over. Soon Peggy went to be and Al & the 8 hooters lived happily ever after." Peg: " Don't listen to him. He still loves you." Al: " They know I love them. It's you I have the problem with." Al: " Hello, officer. Did you mistake our place for a donut shop?" Al: " Your honor, if there is a valid law suit here it's 'Bundy vs the Board of Education' because she actually graduated high school." Peg: " Rub my touchy." Al: " Nobody rubs my touchy." Peg: " Well, this weeked, you mow it. I'll rub it." Al: " I can't get to sleep. I'll do what my dad taught me: counting hooters. 2 - 4 - 6 - 8 - ooh, twins - 12..." Al: " Hello, officer. Did you mistake my house for a donut shop?" Police: " Obviously not. There's only 1 of me." Episode 721: Kelly's Birthday ----------------------------- Al: " The city towed my car again. They thought it was abandoned. Why is that?" Peg: " It's a Dodge, Al. Everytime you see a Dodge, you think it's abandoned." Al: " Dodge says something about you." Peg: " Yea, it says,'Damn, right, I failed.'" Kelly: " I gotta run. Daddy, kiss Frank for me." Al: " Don't worry, Frank. I don't kiss anyone that doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife." Peg: " Men are to be ignored. Just pretend you're married & ignore them." Kelly: " Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?" Al: " Women" Episode 722: Al's bad in bed ---------------------------- Al: " Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex." Al: " I'm surprised you could make it down those steps this morning." Peg: " I was pretty tired. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake." Al: " Those darn bees. I think one of them stung you 'cos I heard you scream." Peg: " There's nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be driven every once in a while." Al: " I'm Al 'The Mailman' Bundy. I always deliver." Peg: " But mail men are sloe." Al: " Yea, but they don't go to the same house every day." Peg: " This is George Washington, the father of our country." Kelly: " I thought that was James Brown." Peg: " He's the godfather of soul." Kelly: " I thought that was Don Corleone." Kelly: " I'm going to the place that got me through high school: the principal's office." Kelly: " I have some great news." Bud: " You found your underwear in the park." Kelly: " If I'm ever looking for them, I know you're wearing them." Al: " If my little girl can train herself to hold a thought, I can train myself to hold my wife." Al: " Peg, you weren't satisfied?" Peg: " I used to call you the minute man. Now I long for those days. Marcie was comforting, though. She said the sooner it was over with you, the better." Guy: " Hey, Al. Have sex with your wife 50 times. I'm cooking an egg." Al: " Why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out of his dress, Donnelly." Kelly: " Do you remember my boyfriend, T Bone?" Al: " No, but he sounds delicious." Peg: " Al, I got you some Aurora while and a burrito. Come on, Al, brake 'em both open." Al: " No, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my whole manhood has been taken away from me. I never want to goto the bathroom again." Peg: " Well, maybe we can get he curl out of the wallpaper. And the birds will come back again." Bud: " Dad, so you killed a squirel. If it wasn't you, it would be a cook in a Chinese restaurant." Al: " Could I speak to Marilyn Fisher...Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brian now...Um, hum...You're the husband, I see... Could you do me a favor? My name's Al Bundy. Could you ask her if she meant it when she said she had them all but I was the best... Oh, she's breast feeding. That brings back memories." Episode 723: Al retires ----------------------- Al: " Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid." Al: " I don't know what to do." Peg: " That hasn't stopped you before." Al: " Mrs Blob..." Fat Lady: " That's 'Blaub.'" Al: " I know you're name. It was a descriptive term." Al: " I won't take just anything like you at a buffet. What do you have for me?" Fat Lady: " Some Mennen Speedstick in my desk." Al: " Let me give you a tip. It goes underneath your arms if you can ever get them horizontal." Al: " There's no money in shoes. I was selling shoes when you were just a gleam in a New York cabbie's eyes." Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen --------------------------------- Al: " I can't go into work. I have chicken pocs." Peg: " That's just iodine. You trired that trick on our wedding night." Al: " Somebody call the police." Bud: " But the call costs more than the car." Al: " Yea, abd it costs more that the condom I should have used on the night you were conceived." Al: " I'd like to report a kidnapping...a description..It's 4 feet tall, belches smoke out the rear and weighs 2 tons...no, it's not Oprah!...no, it's not Delta Burke! Who would call and complain?" Kelly: " I'm gonna miss the Dodge. I went to school in it. I grew up in it. I felt like I was born in it." Peg: " You sure were conceived in it." Al: " Marcie, how can you be so unfeeling. Do you know what it's like to wake up and find something missing. Sure you do, every morning when you open your pajama top." Marcie: " Or your pajama bottoms. Al: " Yea, right. Peg set her straight." Al: " How and I gonna tell him that I forgot about all that stuff?" Jefferson: " Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How's he gonna know your mind's as empty as your trunk was?" Al: " How's he gonna know I'm an idiot?" Bud: " Kelly, what are you watching Spanish television?" Kelly: " Spanish? I though it was just some English words I didn't understand." Kelly: " Wow daddy, you look good enough to bury." Peg: " Al, you look great. I'd marry you all over again if I didn't know it was you...but I do." Al: " Getting a new car is like trading you in for a blonde with shiny, factory warranteed hooters. Sure, the first few times you ride it, it's fun. But in the long run, and this is the part that depresses me more every day, you're the one I want." Peg: " Oh, Al!" Al: " But don't touch me." Episode 725: Cousin Jimmy is on the war path -------------------------------------------- Al: " You look good tonight." Peg: " How many beers have you had?" Al: " 10." Peg: " So I guess you're a 6-pack short of sex." Al: " At least." Al: " Congrats on your breakup. You already had the honeymoon, that's the best part. It it last any longer, you end up with this and if you're lucky, you get a couple of these ." Al: " Son, are we alone?" Bud: " Yes." Al: " Good, then you're the only one I have to get rid of." Bud: " Dad, can I talk to you." Al: " Why me? Get a friend." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: Lie if your wife is a waking Lie if your belly is aching Lie if you think she's faking Lie, sell shoes, lie" Bud: " Is that really the Bundy credo?" Al: " No, it's really: Hooters, Hooters, Yum, Yum, Yum Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb But the father in me felt that you needed a wholesome message at this time." Jefferson: " Jimmy beat me up and he broke my little horse. He thinks I slept with his wife." Al: " Let him sleep with your's. That will even it out." Bud: " Why did he beat you up?" Jefferson: " He said he was looking for a gorgeous guy that women would find irresistable. God, I wish I looked like you two < Al & Bud >...No, I don't." Jefferson: " Marcie, If I wanted a young,pretty, sexy woman, why would I have married you." Al: " Why go out for a succulent steak when you have a dried up piece of jerky at home?" Marcie: " Peg, Jefferson was cheating on me." Peg: " Well, when you age, they'll start looking elsewhere." Al: " It's not your looks that keep me here, it's mine." Bud: " I only slept with his wife, what does he want from me?" Al: " Bud, just relax. I know how to handle this. When I was young, I met alot of bog, stupid bullies." Peg: " Al, when you were growing up, you were the big, stupid bully." Al: " Yea, I was. I was good at it, too. But I wasn't just big and stupid. I was also mean. I used to scare people like your mother scares me." Kelly: " Bud, remember, 100 strokes." Bud: " Right, Kel. 8, 9, 16, 44, 100." Kelly: " OK. You know it's a good thing you didn't cheat 'cos I was counting along with you. You're a good slave and a damn fine eunch." Bud: " You're no gonna tell Jimmy, right." Kelly: " Not as long as my little leprecaun keeps granting my wishes. Now don't forget to pick up my cleaning, hang up my pantyhose, and, oh, try not to get tangled up in them this time... ...Hey, you did good work. It's hard to believe you're straight, very hard." Bud: " Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?" Al: " Don't ever say that, son. The Bundy's proud name was built on a philosophy of lying. Well, lying, owing money and perhaps beer. Yes, lying, owing money, and beer. The only thing that separates us from the Kennedy's is that they have money." Al: " Do anything you want to anyone you want. Just don't wear a dress." Episode 726: Indecent Proposal ------------------------------ Al: " Look closely into the dead that are my eyes and you'll know I'm married." Coco: " I'm sorry to hear that." Al" " I'm sorry to say that." Marcie: " I thought that the moon was made of green cheese but now I know." Al: " Jealous little ironing board." Marcie: " I owe my man's softness to you." Peg: " My man's softness comes naturally." Al: " You haven't been introduced. This is our neighbor Marcie. As you can see she used your vanishing cream on her breasts and they disappeared." Coco: " I'll offer you $500,000 ." Al: " I'm being treated like a piece of meat and I have to sat that...I like it." Peg: " $500,000 for this. I don't get it. Then, I haven't gotten it for 25 years." Bud: " Al Bundy, male hooker." Al: " It does have a nice ring to it."